In the mood for a horror show so I’m gonna sit back and watch as my kids make a haunted gingerbread house with full blown colds and no Kleenex.
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Starbucks Manager: I wish I could contact my dead grandma somehow
Me: I can put you in touch with a medium
Starbucks Manager: A what
As I get older, I don’t refer to myself as “well seasoned”.
I’m more “fermented”.
Me: [Alone in our kitchen making a sandwich]
My teeanager: Why are you trying to embarrass me?
My husband was out with a friend of ours and texted me that he had crazy news about him, then wouldn’t text me the news and said it had to be told in person, so I had no choice but to file for divorce.
[spreading rumors]
me: R
O
R
U M
S
KID 911: wats ur emergency
SON: cant find my shoes
KID 911: have you looked literally nowhere?
SON: yes!
KID 911: then it is lost forever
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to everyone chanting “SHIT PANTS”]
Me: It was just time for a change.
The last time anything got banged on my bed, it was my little toe against the leg.
She’s a 10 which makes it hard for her to find decent shoes.
James Blunt: you’re beautiful
James Blunter: I’ve seen better
Cut out the middleman and throw all your food right into the whiskey.
Whenever anyone asks me where I grew up I point to a random spot in the room and say “Over there.”
Not fat, but not super thin either. I’m more like…what’s the word? Oh, I know. Terrifying.
Me after completing a simple 10-minute task that I’d been putting off for 3 months
Cop: Hey U!
U: who, me?
Cop: no the other 1!
1: who, me?
Cop: both of U!
W: who, us?
Cop: Yes you!
U: Who, me?
Cop: No!
No: yes?
honestly, i need both:
Nighttime can be so great when you have insomnia. You can clean up the house, read, watch a movie or even rearrange your old racist neighbors garden knomes to make her think she’s losing her mind. I’ve really turned into quality ‘me time.’
I don’t have a date for Valentine’s Day so I’ll probably end up going out with the wife
me: you don’t listen to a thing I say, I’m leaving you
bf: haha I know right
There’s no candy called Smithereens, and I’m terribly disappointed with everything.
*gets in taxi*
Me: Wow it’s cold out there, my hand is freezing.
Cabbie: Where to?
Me: (putting on other glove) You know what, you’re right.
[drops phone in toilet]
MY FRIENDS!
Hitchhikers have really ruined things for those of us who just want to stand at the side of the road and express our approval for automobiles and those who travel in them.
My childhood led me to believe that as an adult I’d have to contend with truth serum, lava, quicksand, trap doors, and secret passageways. So far it’s mostly been weight gain and existential dread.
daredevil: [standing in the rain with his girlfriend] i may be blind, but my echolocation allows me to picture you perfectly
her: oh so like you’ll use the sound of the raindrops to-
daredevil: [just starts screaming into her face]
*carrying dog*
Clerk: no pets allowed
Me: *closes eyes* It’s my seeing eye dog.
C: You tried that last week.
M: IT’S MY SEEING EYE DOG!
<gets pulled over>
Officer- What’s making all that noise in your trunk?
Me- My feelings. I’m trying to dispose of them properly.
Boss to staff: “What incentives would make you work harder?”
Staff member: “Bonus!”
Boss: “I’m not boning any of you.”
British people never go down stairs they just jump out of a window and open an umbrella like Mary Poppins
Husband: How much of the kids’ candy are you going to eat?
Me: