ME AT A PARTY: oh we’ve met? i’m sorry i’m bad with faces
ME WATCHING A MOVIE: ok that guy in the background is character actor james rebhorn who was in meet the parents, independence day, the talented mr ri
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me: make me irresistible to women
genie: *turns me into a puppy* careful what you wish for haha
me: *raises hind leg over lamp*
genie: wait no stop
13: *staring glumly at garden* Why so much spinach?
Me: Throw in a few extra this time.
Pharmacist: We’ve talked about this.
due to circumstances outside of my control I ended up at an Applebees and let me say it is absolutely phenomenal to have gen z in the work force. the waitress held up a plate, wrinkled her nose, and went “I wanna say these are…ribs?”
Patient: Doc, my stomach is killing me.
DR DOG: *scratches chin* Have you tried eating grass?
The best thing capitalism has done is put a little window on pasta boxes so the noodles can look out at the world.
My dog acts like he’s always auditioning to be my best friend. I’m like “Dude, you already got the part…you can relax.”
Bad joke of the day:
How do dog catchers get paid?
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By the pound.
Her: Tell me what you want
Me: A burrito
Her: No!! Tell me what you want in bed
Me: Oh! *gets in bed* a burrito
[texting w/ my nana]
Me: hey! Mom told me you learned how to use emojis!
Her: I ❤️ murder
Me: well that’s kinda wei..
Her: I will 🔫 everyone
*gloating* I just broke the internet
Narrator: He dropped the WiFi router.
[space]
MARS: March was named after me
PLUTO: So, Mickey Mouse’s dog was named after me
MARS: …
PLUTO: …
MARS: I’m a planet
PLUTO: Sonuvabi—
Me: I’m exhausted
Fitbit: You have taken 11 steps today
I wouldn’t say I “missed” your call.
My pantry would give that guy from Sleeping with the Enemy a heart attack.
M: a Bloody Mary with no celery, olives or tomato juice, but add extra bacon
Waiter:
H: She wants a plate of bacon and a shot of vodka.
Posh sugar daddies are called fructose fathers
Friends, I say this to you with tongue firmly in cheek – don’t ever put super glue in your mouth.
I really hate to get religious on here, but have you seen the thigh gap on Jesus. DAYUM!
The year is 2030. Bakery art is so realistic, literally anything could be cake. The uncertainty has gripped the world in fear. I go to hug my wife for comfort. She is cake.
The most unrealistic thing about sitcoms is couples comfortably sharing a full size mattress
When I was in college our house got robbed. My roommate took the cops to my room and they said wow they trashed this room and she said no that’s just how she lives. I think about that sometimes.
Trimmed my eyebrows too short. Now every time I catch someone staring, I sternly say “my eyes are down here.”
The older I become the more I think Oscar the Grouch should just be called Oscar.
DATING TIP: Don’t reply to texts right away or you might look desperate. Just wait. Give it 5, 10, maybe even 15 years. Keep things casual.
One time a cute guy I liked mooned his friend as a prank but there was a tiny piece of toilet paper in his crack & it haunts me to this day
Architects should try and design a house with no yelling
I just learned that embalmers insert butt plugs into corpses to prevent leakage….
So now I know why zombies walk like they do.
Me: Did you know a cockroach can live for weeks with no head?
Him: That’s nothing. Husbands sometimes go for years.