When I was sixteen, I had to learn how to drive a stick, because we couldn’t afford a car.
You Might Also Like
Just because I’m smiling doesn’t necessarily mean that I like you. I might be picturing you on fire.
Me, dressed Covid casual at work.
Boss: “Are you wearing a pillow case?”
Carrot raisin salad. When you want to eat something horrible, 3 times.
Jesus rose from the grave because he forgot to clear his browser History
[creating seahorses]
God: give em little horsey faces
Angel: aww cute
God: fish lookin bodies
Angel: ok…wait, really?
God: curly-cue tails lol
Angel: this is confusing
God: oh yeah? make males carry the eggs til they hatch and explode outta their pouch
Angel:
God: POP
awkward
Your Honor, these 52 selfies on my clients phone at the precise moment of the crime prove that my client can only be guilty of narcissism.
These drawstring pajama pants practically fall down when I don’t tie them, so I guess another piece of birthday cake is in order.
My safe word is “insufficient funds”.
I can’t tell the difference between large, extra large and jumbo eggs. There, I said it.
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: solving equations
professor 3: wow
ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man
ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*
[Corporate Olive Garden meeting, 1985]
Jesus: Let’s do unlimited breadsticks.
CEO: How can we supply that many?
Jesus: *winks at camera*
Me: I’d kill for your body.
Female trainer: Actually, with consistent exercise and clean eating…
Me: No that sounds hard I’d rather do murder
A timely reminder before St. Patrick’s Day. #PaddynotPatty
“Oh hell yes” – Schrödinger, reading the first line of A Tale of Two Cities
The twelve days of Christmas be like:
Days 1-4: Birds
Day 5: FINALLY, A DECENT GIFT
Days 6-7: oh… more birds
Days 8-12: Slavery(?)
I have felt uncomfortable before. But we were just passed by a slow moving hearse and funeral cars… My son is dressed as the grim reaper.
He f**ng waved.
Donkey I Shreked the Kids
History is written by the victors. That’s why I only trust historians who are cool and good looking. If someone seems like a loser they’re probably not writing real history.
[first date]
HER: I love a man who likes to get a little crazy.
ME: *trying to impress* I’m a psychopath.
Friend: “I grilled some chickens over the weekend.”
Me: “Did you get the information that you were looking for?”
Sometimes i spread newspaper out on the floor and then lay down on it and pretend i’m fish n’ chips
Satan: welcome to hell, the WiFi password is-
Me: wait you have WiFi?
Satan: of course.
Me: well that’s not so bad.
Satan: as I was saying the WiFi password is Pi.
America. Where assault weapons will protect your family, but two dudes getting married will destroy your family.
Facebook is great! It reminds me to go to the gym and take my birth control so I don’t end up like everyone I went to high school with.
Welcome to college! Here’s a list of our majors. Here’s a list of majors that lead to unemployment. As you can see, both lists are the same.
there has never been a better use of this meme
“Ugh, it’s so dark!” *shivers* “And cold! Why is it so huge? It’s, like, jeez, does it go on forever?!”
– Larry, the worst astronaut
Relationship status: I just found a piece of chicken in my hair.
I ate it.
Then looked for more.