@AGreaterMonster

When I was ten I played Secret Agent with my little brother. Turns out toddlers do not make good grappling hooks.

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@hrtbps

Interviewer: So when did you decide you wanted to be a sumo wrestler?
Me: When someone tried to get me onto the dancefloor at a wedding.

@MasterOfMoppets

These coffee flavored rice cakes are delicious, but chewy.

[eats another coaster]

@TheToddWilliams

[blind date]

HER: I recently found Jesus

ME {trying to keep the conversation going}: Where was he?

@ImFordTough

hey girl are you my ceiling fan because i’m pretty hot but also too lazy to get up and turn you on

@kwirkyKerri

Somebody parked in my spot and now I’m in the market for a rocket launcher.

@UnrealTJH

{Couples Counseling}
THERAPIST: Tell me what you love most about each other.

HER: He’s so kind.

ME: If we don’t have cheese she goes and buys cheese.

@SorryDontClaire

Dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you both get naked and the societal expectation that women be smaller overwhelms you and the shame u feel about ur body drives you to tears

@TheNYAMProject

Me: Ugh…where am I?

Voice: Never mind that. I’ve missed you.

M: WHO’S THERE??

*steps into the light to reveal the DuoLingo owl*

DuoLingo Owl: “Who” indeed…You missed your last French lesson.

M: HEEEELP

D: IT LEARNS TO SAY “JE T’AIME BIEN” OR ELSE IT GETS THE HOSE AGAIN

@LostFelicia

Pretty sure I burned off a print making dinner, so if anyone needs my right middle finger for doing crimes, hit me up.