If it weren’t for the gutter my mind would be homeless.
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when it’s the weekend and you stupidly thought you might actually get to sleep in
99% of the time I have zero understanding of how people are using “iykyk”. “Eating some ice cream iykyk.” Well I certainly thought I knew about ice cream. I thought *everybody* knew about ice cream
“Why do birds suddenly appear?”
To shit on my newly washed car, that’s why.
Someone said “30 years ago”, and my mind went to the 1970s, but they meant 1994, and now I need to lie down.
One thing I love about kids is that they will walk up to a complete stranger and just say the most bizarre shit like “teeth are just hair for your mouth” then just wander off again and it’s like wait I have follow up questions my dude but they’ve already moved on with life
Angel: Here’s the final human mold *drops it*
God: *creates mom look*
Angel: Are you mad?
God: No, just disappointed
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: For giving up my seat to a blind guy?
BOSS: You’re an Uber driver
Nothing is more reliable than a sleeve sliding down your arm as you’re washing your hands
The only wisdom that comes with age is knowing which stores have the nicer restrooms.
My mom told me I couldn’t swim until 30 minutes after I last ate so that’s why I haven’t swam since I was 14 years old.
3: I hit you in the head with the shovel
me: um, no thank you
3: it’s ok. I’ll be gentle
I got this “breathe” tattoo on my wrist because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.
I wish I had half the determination and persistence of Adobe reader updater.
Me: Door knobs are for losers. Just kick it in.
Anger Management Coach: *takes off glasses and starts silently crying*
“Get a parrot,” they said. “It’ll be fun,” they said. “Get a parrot,” the parrot said. “It’ll be fun,” the parrot said.
Can we go skydiving on our first date? I want to hear what you sound like when you think you might die.
-me, flirting
“What are you going to be when you grow up?”
Tired.
The answer is tired.
7yr old: The sun’s rotation doesn’t change the seasons. I just watched Tinkerbell and the fairies make it happen.
Me: Honey, you know about science and fairies are just in our imaginations.
7: What about the Tooth Fairy?
Me:
7:
Me:
7:
Me: Oh right. It’s totally the fairies.
*At Super Bowl Party*
Hey baby, they’ve got a WHOLE bunch of shrimp here, did you bring the big purse?
Roses are red
Xanax is blue
When one just won’t work
Go ahead and take two
If my partner didn’t want me to wear yoga pants because they make me too attractive to other men, I’d respect his wishes and take them off.
*dad walks in on me doing homework*
“HAH NERD MORE LIKE HOMOWORK”
Dad you’re still in third grade
“Probably because I’m not a nerd like you”
Betrayal only comes from someone we’re close to. Just like herpes.
I posted “Happy Almost Mother’s Day!” on this chick I grew up with’s Facebook page, guess I was the only one who remembered her abortion.
British people be like I’m Bri ish
Can someone wake me up when this nightmare is over?
*lies on floor, closes eyes tight*
(in customer service line at Walmart)
911: How can I help you?
Me: MY HAND IS STUCK IN THIS PRINGLES CAN… I’M PANICKING
911: Let go of the chip Sir
Me: oh, ok….all good now
Every time I swallow food coloring, I dye a little bit on the inside.
No One:
My Family: Please check the menu of this restaurant we’re going to eat at in six months and let us know what you want.
I’m 14 shows into the 1st season of ‘Lost’ & there are SO many mysteries.
I sure hope someone finds out where Sawyer plugs in his flat iron