When I was young my mom told me “Husky” meant “Extra Soft” so I wouldn’t feel bad at Sears.

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Me *googling* are people who steal ducks called abducktors or kidquackers?

FBI agent monitoring me: *reaching for whiskey* Jesus Christ


You’re not “retaining water” Shannon, you’re retaining the 37 bottles of wine you drank since early March


Girl from my high school posted on Facebook that she got a “constellation prize” at a church carnival yesterday. She skipped school a lot.



ME: What do we want?!


ME: When do we–oh


[text from friend)

Her: You doing okay?

Me: Yeah I guess. Why, what have you heard?


Sex is great, yes but have you ever had water come out of your ear after it stayed there two days after swimming? OMG


jewelry making tip: a simple can of gold spraypaint can turn a chicken nugget into a gold nugget


Whenever people talk about “drug resistant super bugs”, all I can think about is how proud I am of those little guys for having the willpower to stay clean & sober in what must be an incredibly dangerous and stressful environment.


I asked my 5 yr old if she wanted to help me make a cake and she said that she doesn’t make cakes. She eats them.

Her face will be on currency one day.


To everyone with a motorcycle: your motorcycle is very loud & we are all very proud of you.