@ozzyunc

When I was young my mom told me “Husky” meant “Extra Soft” so I wouldn’t feel bad at Sears.

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@ArfMeasures

Me *googling* are people who steal ducks called abducktors or kidquackers?

FBI agent monitoring me: *reaching for whiskey* Jesus Christ

@YourMomsucksTho

You’re not “retaining water” Shannon, you’re retaining the 37 bottles of wine you drank since early March

@JennyJohnsonHi5

Girl from my high school posted on Facebook that she got a “constellation prize” at a church carnival yesterday. She skipped school a lot.

@kfoagkfoag

“WE ALREADY HAVE IT!”

ME: What do we want?!

“TIME TRAVEL!”

ME: When do we–oh

@LackOfShame

[text from friend)

Her: You doing okay?

Me: Yeah I guess. Why, what have you heard?

@xysist

Sex is great, yes but have you ever had water come out of your ear after it stayed there two days after swimming? OMG

@wolfpupy

jewelry making tip: a simple can of gold spraypaint can turn a chicken nugget into a gold nugget

@LMHPhotog

Whenever people talk about “drug resistant super bugs”, all I can think about is how proud I am of those little guys for having the willpower to stay clean & sober in what must be an incredibly dangerous and stressful environment.

@Simeogirl

I asked my 5 yr old if she wanted to help me make a cake and she said that she doesn’t make cakes. She eats them.

Her face will be on currency one day.

@KevinFarzad

To everyone with a motorcycle: your motorcycle is very loud & we are all very proud of you.