@Sara_Rose_G

When I was younger I also blamed Jewish people for all my problems and thought they were part of a conspiracy to control and ruin my life. Turns out they were just being good parents.

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@nettie0918

Fastest way to occupy bored kids is to announce we are going to clean

Voila

Suddenly they all remember plans they’ve forgotten

Ah quiet

@VaguelyFunnyDan

(Arrives in rescue boat to aid sinking cruise ship full of today’s pop artists, saves only Lorde and Sia, speeds away)

@iwearaonesie

*buys toddler a dinosaur toothbrush*
[cut to me using my new dinosaur toothbrush]

@Angrea

I’m suspicious of people who don’t like dogs…But I totally trust a dog when it doesn’t like a person.

@Contwixt

Good news: It works the other way around.

I entered “internal bleeding” & “unconscious” in WebMD and it said I have a stuffy nose.

Phew.

@markydoodoo

There’s “disappointment” and then there’s “Waiter walking past my table with food I thought was mine disappointment”

@bingowings14

Reduce your kids intake of sugary, fizzy drinks by shaking up the can before handing it to them.

@guelphgirlchris

When my sister in-law was a waitress in Canada, she was taking drink orders from a group of Americans. They each ordered a glass of red wine. She suggested they choose a LITRE instead. They spoke among themselves and one man put up his hand and said – “I’ll be the leader.”

@KurtBusiek

I saw a tweet saying liberals should create their own Captain America. They did. In 1940.