When I was younger I also blamed Jewish people for all my problems and thought they were part of a conspiracy to control and ruin my life. Turns out they were just being good parents.
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Ladies, when a creepy guy asks for your # and hands u his phone, text REDCROSS to 90999 so he’ll donate $10 to Disaster Relief.
if you have a weird name and appear in movie’s closing credits, i will find you and i will say you
*eats an entire box of cereal in one sitting*
Wtf there’s no prize in this?
“Sir, we don’t sell cereal. This is Petsmart.”
2025: The piñatas have become sentient. Children beaten mercilessly w/ sticks. Mariachi music everywhere.
At a restaurant I thought a family was praying at the table but then I realized they were all texting.
getting off the floor: the extreme sport of middle age
My yoga instructor was drunk today.
Put me in a very awkward position.
drug lord: “ill email you when we make the drop, what’s your address?”
me: “[email protected]”
loud from my earpiece: “abort keith, abort”
If my boyfriend really cared about me, he’d stop being imaginary…
The odds of Jesus coming a second time are about the same as those of ANY man coming a second time. #amirightladies
Moderator: your word is “impatient”
Sloth: can you use it
Moderator: in a sentence yes “i am growing imp-“
Sloth: in a
Moderator: you know what close enough *ding*
Sloth: oh great thank you
Moderator: what the
I don’t drink coffee all the time.
I take breaks in between to make another one
It’s always good to tell people to “stay safe” during a distaster just in case they didn’t know.
I was 3 yrs old when my mom was diagnosed with my brother.
Im wearing a chefs coat and a stoned guy thanked me for my service. You are welcome, my brother
One time in LA I heard a girl tell her friend she made out in an Uber on a date then asked her friend “What’s the farthest you’ve ever gone in an Uber?” and her friend replied “Burbank.” and I’m convinced even Mel Brooks couldn’t have written a better setup and punchline.
My ex : “Explain yourself”
Me : “Yourself” is used reflexively as the direct or indirect object of a verb or as the object of a preposition
Computer: choose a password
Me: mysocks
Computer: confirm password
Me: mysocks
Computer: passwords do not match
man: you’re beautiful
me: gross
man: humanity is a black hole of stupid and i’m dying inside
me: [heart beats fast] oh my god are you single
when you miss someone’s call by one second and immediately call back and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did your telephone explode. did you fall into a chasm
Call me crazy but “dropping the ball” does not sound like a good way to start off a new year.
a restaurant that rubs your shoulders while you eat mashed potatoes
me: dinosaurs can’t jump
her: how do u know
me: they’re all dead Linda
I’m dying louder than usual today.
The postman told me he’s off to Spain tomorrow so I asked was he going to Parcelona and he ignored what I believe to be my best joke of 2014
ENGLAND: people are CROSSING OUR BORDERS for ECONOMIC ADVANCEMENT!!!
THE ENTIRE GODDAMNED WORLD FROM LIKE 1583 to 1997: u don’t say
What is your favorite movie about juice from a beetle?
People that use abbreviations like ppl, wyd, hmu, and idk – what do you do with all that time you saved?
Rigged my kids’ Magic 8 Ball to say these choices:
-No
-No way
-Still no
-Yes! JK absolutely not
-Go ask your father