Fastest way to occupy bored kids is to announce we are going to clean
Suddenly they all remember plans they’ve forgotten
When I was younger I also blamed Jewish people for all my problems and thought they were part of a conspiracy to control and ruin my life. Turns out they were just being good parents.
You Might Also Like
(Arrives in rescue boat to aid sinking cruise ship full of today’s pop artists, saves only Lorde and Sia, speeds away)
*buys toddler a dinosaur toothbrush*
[cut to me using my new dinosaur toothbrush]
I’m suspicious of people who don’t like dogs…But I totally trust a dog when it doesn’t like a person.
Good news: It works the other way around.
I entered “internal bleeding” & “unconscious” in WebMD and it said I have a stuffy nose.
There’s “disappointment” and then there’s “Waiter walking past my table with food I thought was mine disappointment”
-Me, 25 seconds into the marathon
Reduce your kids intake of sugary, fizzy drinks by shaking up the can before handing it to them.
When my sister in-law was a waitress in Canada, she was taking drink orders from a group of Americans. They each ordered a glass of red wine. She suggested they choose a LITRE instead. They spoke among themselves and one man put up his hand and said – “I’ll be the leader.”
I saw a tweet saying liberals should create their own Captain America. They did. In 1940.