When I was younger I also blamed Jewish people for all my problems and thought they were part of a conspiracy to control and ruin my life. Turns out they were just being good parents.
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Our Summer schedule is now out! No one gets you to the beach faster. Book now.
this country is so goddamn polarized
oh my godddd my cat just asked for food while I was making creme brûlée lmao what an idiot read the room Steven
LOCAL BOTS ARE SICK AND TIRED OF PRETENDING TO BE HOT LOCAL SINGLES AND WANT YOU TO ACCEPT THEM AS THEY ARE; LINES OF CODE AND NOTHING MORE
Sometimes I order Domino’s but give them Pizza Hut’s address. And when they show up and start fighting, just wait with my mouth open.
Dad called and asked how my weekend was and I gave him the whole rundown but it was just a lead in for him to tell me that he dragged a dead body out of a lake
My son says I only had kids so I could make them do chores. Like yes, I made a bunch of messy, whiny poop machines so they could cry while doing a crap job of cleaning that I just have to redo later.
Today seems like a good day to wash my hair and take 10 selfies wearing 10 different shirts so I can pretend I look human on a regular basis
I like listening to true crime podcasts while I clean my bathroom because I can pretend I’m destroying evidence.
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Wonder Woman is in theaters June 2nd. But if you want a sneak preview, watch Sally Yates’ performance in front of the Senate.
[sets up grandfather’s first computer]
ME: Okay, Grandpa… Just call me if you have any questions or problems.
[phone rings one hour later]
ME: Hello?
GRANDPA: WebMD says I’m pregnant.
Excited for the return of Game of Thrones.
Not excited for the return of the phrase, “If you’d read the books, you’d know that…”
Note to self:
Used VHS tapes do not make good emergency gifts, always go with stuff from the freezer.
anyone know how to get an air guitar out of a vacuum?
Me: I’m telling you this place is haunted, I’ve seen ghosts in here!
Roommate: Listen, I’ve lived here for 285 years and I’ve never seen a ghost.
me: [has anything]
my cat: were you going to sit on the rest of that
I’m not sure how many problems I have because math is one of them.
VOTERS: we want to give a boat a ridiculous name
UK: no
VOTERS: we want to break up the EU and trash the world economy
UK: fine
Him: Can you decide quickly?
Me, 20 minutes later: No.
AI could never write that episode of Bones where the serial killer imprinted malware onto the victim’s bones, so when they got scanned in the lab the computers got a virus and set themselves on fire
There’s no such thing as a five second rule if you’re putting it on someone else’s plate.
Mornin
Judge: If you think I’m buying your insanity defense, you’re CRAZY.
Defendant: *smiles*
Judge: Dammit! You’re free to go. 3rd one this week.
The guy who pumped our septic tank said everything was good & I felt the same accidental pride that I feel when the dental hygienist says my teeth are ok.
Vacation Bible School is a phrase that gets less exciting for kids as each word is introduced
To all the people with grammatical issues, don’t worry, I also have problems with badly timed periods. 
From Facebook just now…
William Shakespeare never hugged or cuddled. Lovers called him the “No Holds Bard”.
Please don’t exorcise the demon possessing me if it’s really good at things like small engine repair or has a secret recipe for a perfect pie crust.