When I was younger, I always wanted to become a Gregorian monk.
Unfortunately, I never had the chants
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I like my pizza like i like my square root of 64.
Ate.
BOSS: OK! Who smashed a hole through the wall?!
[Everyone in the office stares at me, even the Kool-Aid man]
Two boys in Madagascar scratch the back of a habituated lemur
(Via National Geographic)
My Fitbit’s “SmartTrack” auto-recognized my riding lawn mower as a bicycle and congratulated me for burning 156 calories ipso facto I earned this ice cream
Daughter has prom tomorrow so I’ve been practicing my “Menacing Dad Face” all day….so far I’ve had a colleague offer me Tums.
I asked my 5yo to play a game where we see who can be quiet the longest. After a couple of seconds he whispered “this is boring” and I guess the game is over.
I’d like you to meet my family, my wife Sharon, my son Carl, and this balloon that follows me around
Aries: You will be transported into a video game. Don’t get excited. You’ll be a tree.
This old man is Lloyd. He spends his time Lloydering.
My son had a meltdown because his sister accidentally stepped on his piece of popcorn shaped “perfectly like an octopus” and he was saving it for “his collection.” I don’t know about this collection. I don’t want to know about this collection.
Me: I love Bowl Season
Them: yeah, football every day for a month!
Me: *surrounded by 47 bowls of snack foods* huh?
I can’t take my dog to the pond because the ducks keep attacking him…
Guess that’s what get for buying a pure bread dog.
My wife and I have decided we don’t want to have children.
So we are going to tell them tonight at dinner.
My ex just asked if I want to go on holiday with him and my ex mother-in-law and now I don’t need Twitter because I will never stop laughing
North Korea is officially named the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea. That’s like naming a prison The Fun Time Slumber Party Facility.
Not how I expected him to come back but okay.
If a person checks their watch while you’re talking, it’s probably because they’re timing you and this is a competition. Keep talking. It’s win-time baby. You got this.
Even if there’s a murderer behind me, finish chewing before you tell me.
I lost my job as a surgeon.
Apparently, I shouldn’t have left unfinished work over the weekend.
“Do you have any children?”
Hannibal: “Freezer. Bottom, right.”
I bet everyone had that one weird uncle who taught them how to do weird stuff like forage for berries or catch upstream salmon in their mouths and sleep for 6 months at a time just like my Uncle Bear
Sorry I licked my fingers before shaking your hand when we met, but I had Cheetos dust on them and I didn’t want to seem gross.
don’t let your artist friends wander off by themselves. you never know what they’ll agree to
I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.
[movie theater]
Her: *Hands me popcorn bag* Can you put this down?
Me: *grabs bag* You stupid, overpriced, salty piece of shit!
Nobody in this neighborhood ever got along until we all hated your rooster.
Decorated the house across the street so I can look out the window and enjoy my handiwork.
*Looking to buy a house*
ME: So, tell me about the neighborhood.
REALTOR: Great school district, very safe neighbo…
ME: No, I mean like the bars.. Are the bars close to here and do I need an Uber or can I just walk to them? What are their happy hour specials like?
Marriage is for people who want their break ups to involve paperwork.
“May you have a long happy life together and never be killed by blunt force trauma caused by your spouse to collect insurance money.”
– Me, giving a wedding toast I did not properly prepare to give because I spent all my preparation time watching true crime shows