@UncleDuke1969

When I was younger, I never liked the monkey bars, because monkeys are mean drunks.

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@markleggett

Google+ is not a “ghost town”, because a town filled with ghosts would actually be fun.

@TylerLinkin

I’m stoned. Either the smoke alarm is beeping or the house is backing up.

@LostCatDog

If you want to relate to how old people probably feel just imagine that a bowl of soup cost $40 and everybody else acted like that was fine.

@HenpeckedHal

My coworker just proudly announced that he doesn’t believe in Santa Claus because he an athiest. Uh, sure bro, but also how about because you’re 34?

@Jesssicle

People are writing condolences on my Grandma’s Facebook that sound more like Yelp reviews of her. Great woman, very loving, 5/5 stars

@KentWGraham

I used to love pretending I was Captain America and flinging a garbage can lid at kids in the neighborhood. But then my wife made me stop.

@AnnietheNanny1

I don’t always eat 100-calorie packs of anything, but when I do, I make sure and eat the whole box.

@truegritrumble

(Cereal Mascot Support Meeting)
TRIX BUNNY: I don’t understand why I can’t have any of the cereal.
LUCKY CHARMS LEPRECHAUN: I don’t understand why these kids keep stealing mine.
FREDDY KREUGER: I think I’ve wandered into the wrong group, but have any of you thought about murder?

@marinhubka

“I’m not sure-”
wife: honey he’s a zookeeper if he says these are koalas I trust him-aww look at them!
*the raccoons hiss from the dumpster*