When I was younger I wished Hulk Hogan would be the president. Now that I’m older I wish Hulk Hogan would be the president.
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Me: Well, this calls for a celebration *cracks open beer*
Wife: …you took out the trash
I should have used more oils to get this off easier..
I’m trying to jerk it off but it won’t come.
Honey, dinner is stuck to the pan.
Wife: I can’t find my phone
Me: Want me to call it?
Wife: Sure, I –
Me: PHONE, HERE BOY
Minimum wage job description: Will be able to follow simple processes and occasionally drink water without spilling it down self.
Actual job: You’re now responsible for the concept of life itself and also go bring peace to the Middle East. Also blinking will get you fired.
Them: You seem nice.
Me: Really? Try driving slowly in front of me.
9-1-1 what’s ur emergency
“well i guess it’s that one of my friends changed all of my contacts’ phone numbers to 9-1-1.”
Dentist: *shows me picture of my teeth*
Me: Delete it.
I dropped my iPhone under the bed once so I get it, moms that lift cars off their babies, I get it.
ME: I played Wordle today
SON: great
ME: Do you know what Wordle is?
SON: no
ME: It’s like Mastermind but instead instead of colors it’s letters
SON: great
ME: Do you know what Mastermind is?
SON: no
Fig Newton sounds like the name or a British popstar from the 70s.
Taylor Swift seems like the kind of chick who’d stare at her boyfriend while he’s sleeping.
“Is my wife asleep or dead?”
It’s a game I play by picking up her phone.
Me:
Pale people: I’m so white that I’m translucent, no one is as pale as me, last week my uncle thought I was the ghost of a Victorian-era cellar boy
Of course, turn the volume all the way up on your terrible, terrible music. Why should you suffer alone?
Bachelor: Will you accept this rose?
Me: Do you have any food?
Eulogies are just goth stand-up.
I do the same thing every other woman my age does in the shower. Argue with people in my head.
[watching basketball]
I bet these guys all have really big *husband stares at me* feet.
And that’s how you get him to turn off the game.
I want to marry somebody as funny as me. Imagine we both laughing because we forgot to pick the kids up from school
Wait. Why is it called ghosting? Ghosts stick around. THAT’S THEIR WHOLE DEAL.
Her: Is my new concealer working?
Me: Who said that?
Being a woman has its benefits and unique skills, like being able to fix whatever’s wrong with the car by turning the radio up real loud.
Me: and for my last wish, I want to be hung like a horse.
Genie: As you command. *a massive, extra strong gallows and noose appears*
accidentally emailed my kid’s kindergarten enrollment form to UC Berkeley admissions instead of Berkeley Unified School District. we’ll see what happens. maybe he’ll get in
Do people who pay $20 for corn mazes know that you can go get lost in Ikea for only the price of three days of meatballs?
My kids have eaten one bite out of everything in our refrigerator today.
[At Doctor]
Me:I’m having chest pain
Doc:Did you buy a new bra?
Me:Yes! Thanks for noticing!
Doc:I meant it could be causing the pain
Me:Oh
The sun is 100% solar-powered.
WIFE: *reading headline* Bird flu in China
ME: *not looking up from my phone* Birds fly in every country, Sharon.
This lady just licked her finger and wiped her daughters face…
<–Hands her some Listerine and gets in line to be cleaned