@ObscureGent

When I was younger I wished Hulk Hogan would be the president. Now that I’m older I wish Hulk Hogan would be the president.

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@jordan_stratton

ENTRY LEVEL JOB OPENING:
Hiring recent college grads

REQUIREMENTS:
5 years of experience, 6 Olympic gold medals, and superpowers.

@OakHill_

*teaching 13 to cut the grass

Me: Go back and forth across in straight lines, slightly overlapping so you don’t miss any spots. Got it?

13: Yep

13: *cuts three circles, two triangles and a Rhombus into the yard.

@scawn_

Obviously this cat thinks I won’t punch a cat

@hamersauce

[after plane flies upside down for a full minute]
pilot: sorry about that turbulence folks i was having a nightmare

@SteveKoehler22

An octopus can get so stressed
out – it will actually eat itself.

Octopuses call that “leg day.”

@GingerGander

A new study says vegetarians
die younger than smokers, on average, so don’t smoke your vegetables…

@StuForReal

Saw a vulture hauling a carcass across the highway. Thought of you

@FredTaming

“these fit like a glove,” i whisper, sliding effortlessly into my five legged pants

@JillianKarger

CINDERELLA: were you always my fairy godmother

FAIRY GODMOTHER: yes, always

CINDERELLA: so you watched my stepmother horribly mistreat me for years and did nothing

FAIRY GODMOTHER:

CINDERELLA:

FAIRY GODMOTHER:

CINDERELLA:

FAIRY GODMOTHER: look what i can do to this pumpkin