Okay you guys, I’m gonna distract Twitter with an internal server error. When I do, make a run for it and get your life back.
When I was younger I wished Hulk Hogan would be the president. Now that I’m older I wish Hulk Hogan would be the president.
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my favorite part about fruit is when I run it under water for 3 seconds to convince myself it’s no longer covered in carcinogenic pesticides
What rhymes with Autoerotic Asphyxiation? Writing an obituary is hard.
I found a spider in my shoes. He looks ridiculous, they’re way too big for him.
I went for a run but came back home after 5 minutes because I forgot something.
I forgot that I’m fat and can’t run for more than 5 minutes
I’m sorry I lied, but in my defense, telling the truth would have had consequences and I hate those.
HER: I love autumn, it’s my favorite season
ME: [trying to impress] Yes, I love the way the leaves just… autumn off the trees
“Jurassic Park” is still my favorite movie about giant electric fences.
The national language is Yeet. Your daughter’s fiancé is a YouTuber whose legal name is Landon FTW.
Killed another house plant but this time it was personal.