@ObscureGent

When I was younger I wished Hulk Hogan would be the president. Now that I’m older I wish Hulk Hogan would be the president.

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@SortaSarcastic

Okay you guys, I’m gonna distract Twitter with an internal server error. When I do, make a run for it and get your life back.

@Rollmaninoz

my favorite part about fruit is when I run it under water for 3 seconds to convince myself it’s no longer covered in carcinogenic pesticides

@TylerLinkin

What rhymes with Autoerotic Asphyxiation? Writing an obituary is hard.

@tastefactory

I found a spider in my shoes. He looks ridiculous, they’re way too big for him.

@CaptOblivious1

I went for a run but came back home after 5 minutes because I forgot something.

I forgot that I’m fat and can’t run for more than 5 minutes

@JohnLyonTweets

I’m sorry I lied, but in my defense, telling the truth would have had consequences and I hate those.

@daemonic3

[1st date]

HER: I love autumn, it’s my favorite season

ME: [trying to impress] Yes, I love the way the leaves just… autumn off the trees

@ShortSleeveSuit

[2045]

The national language is Yeet. Your daughter’s fiancé is a YouTuber whose legal name is Landon FTW.