When I was younger, I’d sit in class and think “Ugh, when am I ever going to need to know this stuff in the REAL world??” But then I grew up and discovered that I actually do have to play hot cross buns on the recorder like almost every day.

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Son: mom, you wanna dance with me?

Me, who has no rhythm: *dances*

Son: maybe you can just watch me instead.


Relationship or hallucination? Either way, I’m seeing somebody.


When I hear “This call is being monitored for quality assurance” I think “Cool, let’s see how bad this person wants their job.”


[2019 USA]
“Where are you from?”

-Trumpsylvania, how about you?

“North Trumpkota”


Honey, why do these IKEA sofa instructions show a hammer, two allen keys and a divorce lawyer’s office?


Someone told me to settle down, & I wasn’t sure if they meant for me to calm down, or buy a house & start a family.


ME: *shows girl my bedroom* This is where the magic happens.

HER: There’s not even a bed in here.

ME: Are you sure? *pulls a bed out from behind her ear*

HER: Holy shit!


Me: We broke up.

Male Friend: You okay? You need to talk? Shoulder to cry on? You want to come over? Go to dinner? Sleep with me finally?


My kids have strategically placed items in an overflowing garbage can like they’re building a Jenga puzzle.

Have kids. It’s fun.