@phranqueigh

When I was younger, I’d sit in class and think “Ugh, when am I ever going to need to know this stuff in the REAL world??” But then I grew up and discovered that I actually do have to play hot cross buns on the recorder like almost every day.

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@cellapaz

Son: mom, you wanna dance with me?

Me, who has no rhythm: *dances*

Son: maybe you can just watch me instead.

@o__0Dev

Relationship or hallucination? Either way, I’m seeing somebody.

@StellaRtwot

When I hear “This call is being monitored for quality assurance” I think “Cool, let’s see how bad this person wants their job.”

@TheToddWilliams

[2019 USA]
“Where are you from?”

-Trumpsylvania, how about you?

“North Trumpkota”

@PinkCamoTO

Honey, why do these IKEA sofa instructions show a hammer, two allen keys and a divorce lawyer’s office?

@Freudianscript

Someone told me to settle down, & I wasn’t sure if they meant for me to calm down, or buy a house & start a family.

@truegritrumble

ME: *shows girl my bedroom* This is where the magic happens.

HER: There’s not even a bed in here.

ME: Are you sure? *pulls a bed out from behind her ear*

HER: Holy shit!

@Jay_FrickinLynn

Me: We broke up.

Male Friend: You okay? You need to talk? Shoulder to cry on? You want to come over? Go to dinner? Sleep with me finally?

@sarcasticmommy4

My kids have strategically placed items in an overflowing garbage can like they’re building a Jenga puzzle.

Have kids. It’s fun.