Someone told me they got a futon instead of a couch/chair because they wanted their furniture to be versatile.
You can use it for sitting AND lying down?
That’s cool, bro.
My chair can be used for sitting and lion taming.
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OK, THAT’S IT! [angrily slams newspaper down on table] I am DONE with the Family Circus!
(Business)
Mike: It’s a sled. I call it the Mikesled.
Bob: I have a better idea.
Don’t judge me because it said “family size” and I ate the whole thing.
It might have been meant for a really small family.
INTERVIEWER: You worked in a NASCAR pit crew? How does that qualify you to work here at the Men’s Wearhou
*I’ve already changed his pants*
Me: my Husband always wanted a Viking funeral
Friend: but weren’t you supposed to wait until he died to shoot him with a flaming arrow?
Me: ugh, that’s what the jury said too.
Guard: visiting hours are up.
One advantage of adulthood is how easy it is to force my way to the front of the line at the ice cream truck.
Why would I want a vehicle that seats 8 people? I don’t even like 8 people.
“Salamanders are fire proof so if there was a fire in your house and everything you have was made out of Salamander skin you’d survive.”
* this “fact” from my 7yr old is untrue and also incredibly disturbing
Just overheard the phrase, “pregnant with a baby,” and secretly wondered what the other options were
Me: cute infant you have there
Mary: thanks
Me: so tender and mild
Mary: …w-what
[First day as a plumber]
Boss: What’s wrong?
Me: *tearing up* This is nothing like Mario.
Him: Wanna go out with me tonight?
Me: Let me ask my mom
Him: Wtf?! You’re in your 40’s!
Me: She said no
We’re actual apes on a rock hurling through space right now, and that’s why I’m not giving you my email to buy this
If there’s a Supreme Court, there must be a Pepperoni Court and a Cheese Court.
I’m a lot like a wild Pokémon in the bedroom. I only know four moves and I come out of nowhere.
it’s extremely weird how many reporters are turning in long-read stories about how fabulously wealthy jeff bezos is when it is pretty well known that editors are only really interested in pictures of Spiderman
Please pray for my 5yo who demanded I get him a glass of water because he’s “too thirsty to walk to the kitchen”.
*fighting with the husband*
He: deal with it!!
Me: oh yeah??? *calls parents and invites them for a long weekend*
My kid was struggling to solve a complex math problem and tried unsuccessfully to ask Alexa for help. Being the responsible parent I am, I explained the best way to crowdsource a solution is to post the wrong answer on Reddit and 500 peeps will correct you in minutes.
I’m not saying my kids come to me for everything but if I was on fire & my husband was 10 feet away, they’d still ask me for a snack.
Me: Phone a friend
Judge: That’s not how this works
Kids should come with a “skip intro” button for their stories
[First Day Working At The Zoo]
Me: Well I got the pandas to have sex. It was super easy.
Boss: They actually mated with each other?
Me: Oh not with each other
My cat killed a mouse, walked away and looked back at me. I don’t feel safe anymore.
Give me a microphone and I will love you love loudly.
I told her love was all about sacrifice, but she still screamed when she saw the dead goat.
I swear I am going to sit in the parking lot and slam a bag of beef jerky before my dental hygienist appointment.
Make her earn every dollar of that teeth cleaning.
I’m sorry, I didn’t hear one word after you said, “pie chart”
Telling a woman she’s being unreasonable is like juggling lit torches while waist deep in gun powder.