When I was younger MTV actually played videos. That’s what the M stands for. Music. Not Maternity, Motherhood or Moron.
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I blink one eye at a time because flying squirrels can attack at any moment.
Me: I’ve decided to be a mermaid so I can sing and swim all day and have a coconut phone
Him: But, you hate coconut?
Me. Why the hell would I eat my coconut phone? Ugh. It’s like you don’t even understand reality.
[pronounces “pineapples” like “minneapolis”]
Little known fact from Marley and Me, they used 8 different Owen Wilsons during production, so he would look the same age.
Sure stepping on a Lego is painful, but have you ever twisted your ankle tripping over a cold and shamed Natalie Imbruglia lying naked on the floor?
I wish Adele would hurry up and put out another album so I could end this relationship.
[takes a massive shit on a bird in the park]
See? Not nice, is it?
There’s a reason we say cheese and not salad when we have to smile for a photo.
Good for you when one door closes & another door opens. For the rest of us that usually means we’re in jail.
Fitness influencer: It’s important to listen to your body.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
Note to the 82 year old widow who won the Powerball jackpot last night:
Sup, girl?
So baby Jesus grows up to be Santa or…
I was pretty nervous doing stand-up in front of a bunch of nudists but then I imagined the crowd in their underwear and it helped so much.
Stairway to heaven vs highway to hell, sounds to me like being bad scores you wheels in the afterlife
Therapist: What brings you to couples counseling?
Husband: [rolls eyes] My wife says I “exclude her.”
Therapist: Where is your wife by the way?
A burrito.. in a bowl? Sure that sounds great! And while you’re at it, why don’t you rip the blankets off me while I sleep, u piece of shit
How’s the parenting going over here?
My youngest just told my oldest to “GET IN THE DAMN CAR!”
If you see white smoke coming from my chimney, I’m cooking supper. If you see black smoke, we’re ordering pizza.
37% of the 90’s was all about jumping.
Waiter, Waiter, this chicken is nothing but skin and bones.
Would you like the feathers too?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
This is why I avoid Dollar Tree crayons…
If you want to know if your teenagers watered down your vodka put it in the freezer.
You think a person loves you and then they up and bring a grocery store cake to your birthday party.
let’s discuss
Him: I got a 69 on my test
Me: Nice
Him: I bet you don’t even know why people say that
Me: *hoping it’s because 69 is the sum of sums of the divisors of the first 9 positive integers* because 69 is the sum of sums of the divisors of the first 9 positive integers
Him: Lucky guess
Face ID doesn’t recognize me unless I’m chewing
At least once a day my daughter does something I can’t comprehend, and I stare at her like a caveman who just stumbled across a fighter jet.
Your husband’s super cute, is he single?
The number of things that are *not* rocket science is staggering.
I love when murder documentaries let me know that the scene they’re showing is a ‘dramatic reenactment’, like I thought a professional camera crew filmed John Wayne Gacy eating breakfast with his wife the morning after he buried a corpse under his floorboards.