It’s nice when my kitchen smells extra clean cause I used an entire bottle of Clorox to kill one ant.
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I wish I had the confidence of my son who just ate 3 sushi rolls before his 2 hour baseball practice.
The Airbnb reviews never tell you how comfortable the toilets are for falling asleep on
Only I can prevent forest fires? Why are you leaving me in charge of forest fires? I can’t even prevent chafing.
My 10 y/o daughter checked my wife’s Fitbit and she “didn’t move enough last night to be Santa Claus” and I still don’t have a “real beard” so it appears the old man will be back next year.
Nothing scares me more than when my husband answers me and I’m left wondering just how much he’s actually been listening.
Me: the cords are tangled.
Brain: pull at them.
Me: shouldn’t I just untangle them?
Brain: pull at them violently.
“DO NOT HIT ME. THE TURTLES DO NOT HIT SPLINTER. I AM SPLINTER TO YOU.” -real thing I just said to my son
*makes 9 yr old son memorise my phone number in case he gets lost
[He gets lost]
*I don’t answer my phone as I don’t recognise the number
[Hospital]
Me:How’s my dad?
Dr:I’m afraid he’s in critical condition*shout from inside room
“You’ve never lived to up to your potential!”
How did Hitler tie his shoes?
In knotsies.
(The unfollow button is only a click away)
The best thing people can do in a bear attack is break down emotional barriers.
Convince the bear she’s loved and has value.
Compliment her commitment to her cubs.
“Raising kids AND hunting? How do u find the time?” is a fantastic ice breaker.
Filming myself playing the violin like it’s a cello to catfish the giant community
At the end of Ratatouille, the food critic, Anton Ego, ends up funding a small bistro for Remy to cook in.
The avg lifespan for a rat (ie THE HEAD CHEF) is 1.8 years.
This is an absolute shit investment.
[both kids on my lap]
Me:This is so nice
5yo:Mommy your breath stinks.
M: I carried you for 9 months!
4yo:Why didn’t you use a stroller?
Raisins are just grapes pretending not to be past their “sell by” date
My toddler woke me up last night to tell me it wasn’t morning yet, which to be honest is the same level of hard hitting journalism cable news provides.
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.
Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
My wife just found a coupon for lice treatment and yelled to everyone in the house “if you’re gonna get lice, people, get it now!”
My 7yo son is running away because I made him write a few sentences. I guess I shouldn’t expect any letters from the road.
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Aether is both a noun and a verb.
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Me: I stay up late and tweet for AUSTRALIA! Wooooo!
Australia: no need to, we’re good
Freddie Mercury: “Hey Brian, what rhymes with scaramouche?”
Brian May: um… Fandango?
Freddie: “Perfect!” *snorts another line of coke*
those birds must be on payroll
Sorry I said, “Whoa, hope he’s good at math.” when you showed me your kid’s finger painting.
me: “what is a librarian’s favourite food?”
dog:
me: “SHUSHI lmao”
dog: [starts putting his toys in suitcase]
3-year-old: *sits at the table forever without touching anything*
Me: *eats one cold chicken nugget*
3: THAT WAS MINE!
People often talk about having the devil on one shoulder and an angel on the other. For me it’s more like Spock and Homer Simpson.
If alcohol has calories and calories are energy then cocktails are energy drinks
I’m a show off but not drive around with Christmas lights on my car show off
And that’s when I realized it was a cop car
When you kidnap a writer.