When I was your age, I was outside all day until dark

15: The batteries on cell phones must have been a lot better back then

Me: ………

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I get all my cardio the old fashioned way; by running from my problems.


*i look my lawyer dead in the face*
I said ask him.
*lawyer stands up*
Your honor my client would like to know where you got that robe.


Me: Mmm…I love your milky white skin.
Him: Ma’am are you registered for this class?
Me: Yes
Him: Step away from the CPR doll and sit down.


I drink a glass of red wine a day for health benefits.
The other 7 glasses are just for me.


Bread: For when you want to wrap your food with other food, then eat it.


I put a note in my kids lunchbox daily telling them that if they work really hard at school then one day we may be able to afford a sandwich


*Slides a five across the bar*

Bartender: Did you… Did you break this off our sign out front?

Me: (Confidently) tap water please.


My Wife: Why are you home so early?

Me: My boss told me to go to hell


[walking away from taco truck]
WIFE: whats wrong
ME: nothing
WIFE: did u think the truck would be one giant taco
ME: *wiping away tears* no