*finds another dead plant on patio*
[shaking fist to sky] I can’t be the only one watering things around here!
You Might Also Like
I hunt my potatoes the old way. Naked, in the snow, with a bow and arrow.
I got robbed last night but in the best way possible: I was pickpocketed which means I didn’t even have to talk to the person who robbed me.
fellas is it gay to work construction? u need me to clean up a shaft?? ur gonna dump ur load where??? what size nuts do i have?? daddy chill i’m just here to werk
If I were in charge of cranberry juice advertising, every bottle would have a picture of a guy screaming in agony as he passed a kidney stone
draw me like one of your sea-borne property stompers
If I can’t use finger puppets during my acceptance speech, then you can keep your Oscar.
I argue with myself in public so no one talks to me.
My doctor won’t go away. I know what you’re thinking but he has been eating small pieces of apple over many decades to build up an immunity.
Me: *in fancy men’s clothes shop having just been told he price of the suit I was admiring* “Yes, yes I see… and how much for the hanger?”
son: can I borrow your tie for my interview
dad: my what
son: I need a tie
dad: one more time
son: *sighs* your business necklace
“There’s more than one way, to skin a cat.”
Things not to say to a woman, when they ask if you prefer shaved or trimmed.
Mom can you come pick me up? My in-laws are being racist again
What’s the fetish called when you can only get off if Gordon Ramsey is yelling at you that your risotto is garbage?
Titanic (1997)
A woman cheats on her rich fiancé with a homeless guy & then throws a giant diamond into the ocean like a big stupid dummy.
Me: You’ll never take me alive.
Executioner: Yeah that wouldn’t make sense.
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth.
Then it just becomes a soap opera.
The Wolf of Wall Street.
I told my therapist I was afraid of spontaneously combusting, so she prescribed me an anti-inflammatory.
Date: These lamb chops are great
Me: They’re missing something
Date: Like what?
Me: *about to invent mint jelly* Jiggly toothpaste
my mom has been using 💦 to describe crying and when I told her to stop it, she made me tell her why and now it’s so quiet in here.
I’m saving all my really good tweets for when I think of some.
The number of STDs I can spell without autocorrect really bothers me.
I found out why my computer keeps freezing. Apparently I’ve got too many windows open.
Going to a DaBaby concert because I need some alone time, and I know no one else will be there.
When someone tells me that the best part of their job is getting to talk to people all day, I’m too frightened to ask what the worst part is.
[dog walking a human]
*walks by a coffeeshop with its door open*
HUMAN: *tries to sprint in* COFFEE
DOG: woah boy *pulls leash* easy there
How many lost cats walk by the telephone pole with their missing flier on it? Just another reason to teach your cat to read.
I ran out of chips so I dipped string cheese in my queso and I guess I’m keto now
Went to HR to complain about my coworkers but my mom said she can’t fire my kids
(car shopping w/ teenage son)
Me: What do you think about this one?
Son: Well…I was kinda looking for leather seats.
Me: Leather seats??? You’re lucky it has seats.