When I was your age we didn’t have edible underwear, we just ate normal underwear
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Me: I should tell him how I feel.
Beer: Nah.
Vodka: Just be sweet about it.
Whiskey: Or yell it.
Tequila: MAKE SURE YOU CRY GUYS LOVE THAT
My resume is really just a list of shit I hope I never have to do again.
So it turns out that fat bearded man whose lap I was sitting on at the mall wasn’t Santa. LOL drugs.
[I just barely squeeze thru the elevator doors as they shut, however my chain wallet get caught, ripping my pants off as the elevator rises]
[First date]
Me: So, I’ve been married for 12 years –
Him: You’re married??
Me: Is that a problem?
Forget what you’re wearing, the song stuck in your head when you die is the song stuck in your ghost’s head for eternity
Have your tribal tattoo call my tramp stamp and let’s make beautiful, douchey babies together.
I’m basically only good at three things:
1. Programming
2. Counting
Time traveling humans are always freaked out by culture changes
If a moose time travels it probably just finds a field to frolic in moosily
I don’t need armpits that smell like fruit salad or “sexy intrigue”. I exude that naturally.
The fruit salad smell. Not the sexy intrigue.
When I was a kid and my dad was 40yo, I used to think he must be an old man who was practically almost dead.
Now that I’m nearing 40, I know the truth: I was right.
A dying fire will always attract a dad with a stick who will poke it twice and say, “…that should do it.”
Me: *seeing a used condom on my lawn* This is disgusting!
Neighbor: OMG STOP TASTING IT
Is it still ‘breakfast’ if you have had midnight snacks in four equal intervals before you woke up formally?
When a movie says “Based on a true story.” it means this is sort of what happened but with way uglier people.
There are actually only two stages of parenthood: having children, and having children who can reach things on countertops.
Son: This kid at school says really mean things to me
Me: I’ll have a word with him[Later]
Son: How did it go, Dad?
Me [trying to hide my red eyes] do you think I look like a potato?
Magician: *pulls a rabbit out of a hat and makes doves appear from a handkerchief*
Zookeeper: And the penguin in your backpack. Hand it over.
Me: Finally, time to sleep!
Brain: ahem
Me: oh God please no
Brain: I was thinking we could sing that catchy commercial jingle. 87 times.
*Australian accent* Notice the wife in her natural habitat shaming the male husband species into doing what she wants!
I think it would be great if ice cream licked you back.
i’m still crying at this
[bursts in carrying 50 inch TV]
me: honey look, this was on sale for $279!
wife: oooooooohhhhhhh
midwife: that’s it keep pushing
True story on this from a place I worked. Guy knew he was going to be fired on Monday, we were closed Sundays, and he was the last person in the building Saturday. Put jello (powder) in all the toilet tanks before leaving. Called in sick Monday.
I’m not saying motorcycles are dangerous, but the motorcycle section on Craigslist also has a lot of electric wheelchairs for sale.
[Garden of Eden]
EVE: If I eat the apple I get to leave?
GOD: Get to?
ADAM SANDLER: Eatin that appley bappodoodaly
EVE: Yes, get to.
New dad: my kid started teething it’s awful.
Me: want some advice?
New dad: please!
Me: step 1 get a bottle of whiskey.
New dad: okay.
Me: step 2 drink it all.
I don’t give my children “chores”. I give them “missions” and that change in the name has made my whole life easier.
my kids: dad will you make us some grilled cheese?
me: how did you even find me? there’s like 12 bars in this town
Went to see my doctor today and apparently drinking mimosas are not considered a juice cleanse.
Jfc.