@BackrowSeats: When I watch The Walking Dead I can't help but think those zombies are in way better shape than me.
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@AndrewChamings: [the day after I meet a genie] boss: hey team, you can all leave five minutes early today me: *loudly* oh wow so weird
@caseytduncan: The mood took a dark turn when I intercepted the wedding bouquet and ran it back for a touchdown.
@dietredbull: it's gotta be as much fun for a slinky to go down an escalator as it is for a human to walk on a treadmill
@Home_Halfway: *guitarist breaks guitar* HELL YEAH *drummer throws drums* YES YES *singer stabs a bunch of guys* OH MY GOD *bassist plants a bomb* STOP