ME: My name is Nigel and I’m an alcoholic.
AA GROUP: Hi Nigel.*cut to confessional camera*
ME: I’m here to WIN, not to make friends.
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I told 9 to eat the ice cream straight out of the container, because I’m teaching her basic life skills.
Good morning, Twitter 😊
MOBSTER: *cracks knuckles*
ME: that supposed to intimidate me?
*his fingers start to glow like glowsticks*
ME: k I’m scared but thats rad
Batman Begins Crossdressing #AddAWordRuinAMovie
Everything reminds me of my ex
pilot: ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. we have just reached our cruising altitude of 15,000 feet
guy with massive foot fetish: *visibly sweating*
People who peel the entire banana before eating it are the same ones who take off all their clothes to go to the bathroom.
Name dog. Call dog every derivative of that name but the actual name.
Academic paper protip:
end your Conclusion section with
“just as the old woman in the forest predicted”
or
“in defiance of the prophecies”
me: I saw our neighbor walking his dog at 6 AM and he looked so unhappy
wife: maybe the two are related?
me: no, I think they’re just good friends
What’s Godzilla’s favorite sitcom?
How I Met Your Mothra!
…No, YOU shut up.
I’m excuse, what’s your drunk
[1st date]
HER: So do you have any hobbies?
SALT SHAKER: Nice dress! It would look great on my floor
HER: What?!
HIM: Just ventriloquism
I told the 8 clowns in a tiny cop car to “clown arrest me! Take me to clown jail!” And they did. Bail has been set at 150 banana cream pies.
“Hi I’m here to interview for the branch manager position.”
“We’re only hiring tree trimmers.”
“That’s exactly what I just said.”
[infomercial]
ME: wanna know how to lose 15 lbs with 1 easy trick?!
AUDIENCE: YES!
*a surgeon amputates my leg right there on stage*
Just pulled my classic move of not replying to a text immediately to avoid looking desperate and the forgetting to ever reply to it, making me look unreliable instead.
Turns out when you’re asked who your favourite child is you’re expected to pick from your own.
We say that elephants never forget, but it’s not as if they have much to remember. They don’t have PIN numbers or passwords. They never have to put the bins out. They can even guess what kind of elephant they are and have a 50/50 chance of getting it right.
The problem with always wearing that same perfectly broken-in, heavenly soft t-shirt, is how are your other t-shirts ever gonna get there.
just saw a bunch of tourists take a selfie with a bunch of cops. this is why we must ban tourism
I stand in the tampon aisle and when a woman reaches for a box, I snicker and say “you’re gross”.
I’m sorry that your Facebook personality quiz matched you up with a rice cake.
NOW HIRING: An employee
JOB REQUIREMENTS: 96 years experience already working at this job you’re applying for
Ive been so busy photoshopping memories for my daughter. Now she can remember the time we went to the running of the bulls in Spain.
Kids are fun because they’ll barge in the bathroom when you say “don’t come in, I’m naked” and then get mad at you because you’re naked.
If someone ever asks you to show up naked underneath a trench coat at their hotel…make sure you get the room number right.
So I just watched Contagion and tbh, if they had watched the end of the film first, they could have saved a lot of lives.
Started to watch Indiana Jones and the Dial of Destiny and I saw the warning that it contains tobacco depictions so I threw my TV in the street. Not in this household.
The comment ads on twitter are so trippy
“And now a break from 2 people wishing death upon each other for a message about life insurance”