me: you’re so wet and i’m going to go down on you right here in public
waterslide operator: i’m gonna need you to stop talking out loud
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If I had a dollar for every time I’ve threatened to cancel Halloween today, then I’d have about 25 dollars.
Bartender: “I see your glass is empty. Would you like another?”
Me: “What on earth would I do with 2 empty glasses?”
Jay-Z is actually the 26th generation of the Jay family, which dates back to the middle-ages, when Jay-A invented rap.
Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze.
yes, sharks can outswim you. but you can outrun sharks. so far in a triathlon you’re square. all comes down to who’s the faster cyclist
If you click with someone, be their friend. If they prove they’re not worthy of your friendship, bury the body & start again.
Never debate an idiot. Idiots never know when they’ve lost. That’s one of the reasons they’re idiots.
Me; Right, some revision?
Son: K
Me: Start with chemistry?
Him: K
Me: Periodic table?
Him: K
Me:What’s the symbol for potassium?
Him: Dunno
Parents: You can be anything you want to be kiddo!
Me: Okay I definitely want to be an artist!
Parents: lol no we meant a real job.
These golfers behind me keep yelling, “Take your shot!” but they haven’t poured me any tequila.
There should be shopping carts available in the middle of the grocery store for people like me who thought they’ll be able to carry their stuff but eventually have to admit that they can’t.
Water Park Lifeguard: I said you are unwelcome here
Me: I promise this corduroy swimsuit isn’t as flammable as the last one- please?
*I throw my hat into the ring*
Oh you wanna fight do ya?
*I throw my pants into the ring*
Pal this is gettin’ weird
*I throw my skin into th
Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will destroy the ecological balance.
*filling plastic bags with electricity for my Tesla*
Idea: Eels. Exactly the same storyline as Cats but they’re all eels.
[squirrel meeting]
Chief Squirrel: everyone, I suspect someone among us is an infiltrator
Owl: hoo
Chief Squirrel: (solemnly) that’s what we’re trying to find out Owen
*rides in on giant turtle*
Me:Sorry I’m late.
Boss:You rode that to work?
Me:No, went to the zoo.
*phone rings*
Me:That’ll be the zoo.
Apparently ‘gravy’ is not an acceptable answer to the question, “What would you like to drink with your meal?”.
Dear parents,
Here is your reminder to delete the 1000 photos your 3-year-old took while playing with your phone.
They don’t even serve apples at Applebee’s.
Or bees.
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
God: you’re a zebra.
Zebra: nice!
God: you have black stripes.
Zebra: like a tiger?
God: yes exactly!
Zebra: so we’re the same!
God: no.
Zebra: why not?
God: you eat grass instead of meat.
Zebra: omg i’m a vegetarian tiger!
*tucking t-shirt into tighty whities*
Time to seize the day.
Just saw IT. Cool movie, but I gotta ask: what was up with that clown?? Killing kids? Not good.
I’ve been trying to figure out why I overslept today. Just realized drunk me set my calculator for $7.30.
Why are there never any cool side affects from drugs?
Like “this drug may cause severe sexiness”
Just discovered that my 5yo thinks the lyrics are “apple button jeans, boots with the brrr” and then he does a little shiver
How bold of you to assume I care, I tell my aloe plant who’s wife just cheated on him (allegedly).