When I weakly slam the microwave door, but it doesn’t latch and springs back to smack me in the face… I probably deserved that.
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Me: Ugh, I wish I still had a tablet. My phone screen is too small to read books on.
Also me: Guess I’ll read Twitter on my phone for six hours instead…
I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point
Cleaning out the clutter in my house / garage, so if anyone is in need of a spouse that snores and kids that don’t listen, they’ll be out front.
Autocorrect changed “stranger” to “strangler” & it made me wonder how often I must have written about murdering people to teach it that.
I made the mistake of telling my son I found a hair on my chin and now he keeps calling me Pops
My son just literally ran into a trash can, then got up and walked around it to put his empty snack wrapper in my hand, if you’re wondering what it’s like to be a mom.
My life coach refuses to tell me which motivational quote will protect me from corona virus 😡
GF: What a perfect night
ME: It gets better *bends on 1 knee* Will you…
GF: OMG yes!
ME: *puts Space Jam DVD on her finger* put this in?
inventor of oreos: in the center is yummy cream
nabisco: and the outside?
inventor: absolute garbage
nabisco: stop i love it
Someone asked me today about my plans for the Fall and it took me a moment to realize she meant the Autumn and not the collapse of civilization.
Isaac Newton was the pride of the family until his great great grandson Fig was born.
A cool thing about having kids is you get to carry on a conversation with someone who’s doing a headstand in an armchair.
*Packing for a trip*
Maybe I’ll bring my workout gear. I mean I haven’t worked out in 5 years but I might start on this trip.
At my interview
Him – what do you make at your current job?
Mostly mistakes and few inappropriate comments
if she doesn’t reciprocate ur first “i love u”, press ur finger to ur strategically placed bluetooth & say “oh cool u love me too? nice”
Ever take a look at @thefunnytweeter? I’m honored that they have some of my tweets on a page.
I have the body of a 30yr old
Sofa.
My healthy friend invites me to dinner
Me: But you said pasta.
Her: The zucchini IS the pasta. Isn’t that cool?
Me: Yep. More wine please.
Was today a good day? No.
BUT
Did I manage to make it through the whole day without running over my own purse with my car?
Also no.
Malicious compliance at its best. Reap what you sow.
I been hollering for the past 10 minutes 😂😂😂
Well, that’s disappointing. I called every crematorium in the state, and they all only do dead people.
Woman: Ever since my mom passed, I think she’s watching over me
Mom’s Ghost: Yeah, that is the kind of stupid thing you’d believe
everyone: recovering from the holidays is rough, i could sure use a few more bucks
february: no
My kids came over for their weekly visit and I said to them: “Life is short so never spend time doing anything you don’t want to do.” They said: “Cool! Bye.”
[first cat being domesticated]
What’s that thing your petting?
“It’s called a cat”
Do they bite?
“Oh ya LOL all the time!”
I don’t think Major Tom was much of an astronaut – Ground Control had to tell him to put his helmet on, FFS. That’s pretty basic stuff.
My dog: Look, they were over baked. Sooo, you’re welcome.
You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my dog
If by loaded the dishwasher you mean did I just take eleven shots of tequila, then yes, the dishwasher is loaded