When I wear those trendy sports bras with a million straps I get stuck in them like a seagull in a six pack ring
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A truckload of E45 has overturned on its way to Sam from Cheers’ house. Agnetha from ABBA happened to be passing, so is helping to clear up the mess with a shovel.
See that girl.
Watch that scene.
Diggin’ the Danson cream.
June 1885 – The Statue Of Liberty arrives in the U.S. in 350 pieces with no instructions.
Future IKEA magnate: “That gives me an idea.”
turns out Xenophobia is not ‘A fear of Warrior Princesses’
Finally figured out the reason I look so bad in photos. It’s my face
“My Ex is amazing in all ways. My Ex is smarter, more successful, and more attractive than I am.”
– bumper sticker I put on my Ex’s car
putting some whiskey in my coffee cuz its ireland somewhere
I really had high hopes for this year though
Proper labeling of axes is absolutely crucial.
I didn’t realize 80% of song lyrics were inappropriate until I had to listen to them in the car with my kids.
wife: I know we had plans tonight but I’ve been stuck in traffic for an hour and I just want to come home and relax
me [unaware that we had plans] Ok
Judge: how does your client plead?
Me, a lawyer: it was just a little murder and the victim was a bit of a prick actually
“Dad, you called me my brother’s name.”
I’m sorry *30 second pause* little dude.
Thanks to smartphones, the toilet has been transformed from a place of quiet reflection to my remote business command center. I’m not avoiding work. I’m literally getting shit done.
I just laid on my cat’s keyboard while he was working on a last minute PowerPoint presentation.
My boss asked if I had Facebook and I said sure and gave up the link. Then she asked about twitter. After an awkward silence I said, huh?
Been doing a lot of soul searching as of late and still have not found that darn thing.
Me: This recipe calls for one red onion…
Onion: Seize the means of production!
Me: Close enough
Son: Why doesn’t my sister have to tidy up?
Me: She’s a week old!
Son: You’re weak and old too but you manage!
Me: Hi! I’m here to enter the eye rolling category.
International Olympic Committee: *collectively make a face*
Me: Yep. That’s the one.
Me: *flirts*
Anyone watching:
me: do you take walk-ins
dude at the crematorium: what
Doesn’t everyone lie on a first date and say they love the outdoors just like they lie in an interview and say they’re proficient at Excel?
Robert is an ass man
Robert goes to the club
Robert sees a curvy girl
Robert comes up behind her
Robert Palmer
Remember when our biggest fear in 2019 was lettuce?
Using magic to hide the Hogwart’s train was also platform manipulation, where tf Dumbledore’s suspension
SPOILER ALERT ~ Fast & Furious 10 is about car chases.
Once, I had a dream so bad I threw away the pillow.
God: Noah, I need an ark.
Noah: Why don’t you ask Joseph, the carpenter?
God: Uh [huge grin] cos I’m banging his wife? [raises hand] up top?
Maybe vet’s office should come with a doggy park just like any DMV should come with a bar
3yo: dad.
Me: why aren’t you sleeping?
3yo: I am sleeping.
Me: then why are we talking?
3yo: so I could tell you I’m sleepIng.
Me: you’re kind of creepy at night.