When I wished for simpler times, I didn’t mean people’s IQs
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Maybe Tailgate wants to be banged. Did you ask? You don’t know.
wife: I’m having a baby.
me: *handing menu back to waiter* I’ll have a baby as well.
The Mayan Calendar doesn’t really stop at 2012, they just ran out of sexy firefighters.
INTERVIEWER: Says here you do magic tricks?
ME: *hands him back his business card* Is this your card?
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
Whatcha doing?! 😏🤣🐶
Me: Anyone else get the feeling their being watched?
…
CIA: They’re*
Float like a malevolent entity. Sting like a priest throwing holy water at you.
Do you ever walk out of a bathroom and want to put a sign on the door that says “I was just peeing It smelled that way when I went in there”
I found an extra $9 in the bank! Get dressed baby we’re going to Little Caeser’s!
Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
Um, products that have seals that read, “Do not use if seal is missing,” how are we supposed to know that a seal is missing if it’s missing?
Me: Your generation sits around with their noses in their phones
Niece: Your generation made the guys who wrote the Macarena rich
Me: …
[2052 pre-apocalypse]
Him: If only we had one of those old VCR cables, we could save the world
Me: (pulling out bin) SEE KAREN, I TOLD YOU WE NEEDED TO KEEP THESE CORDS
You know what….. my ex should’ve kept me blocked
Guys, I hate to tell ya this, but applied tiger balm liberally this morning and I’m still not a tiger.
hubs: why the makeup?
me: we’re cooking dinner together.
him: and…
me: and, I want to look nice when the police arrive.
Turns down music in car: I’ve never heard that strange noise before *sighs* another trip to the mechanic’s.
Friend: That’s my stomach.
who said “fortune favors the prepared” instead of “ready player won”?
Nothing moves faster than a dog who hears you looking at a bag of chips
In the middle of an argument, begin calmly folding a blanket if you want the other person to go truly ballistic
me: this hotel is $100 per night?
clerk: that’s right
me: how much for just one room
I just had the best argument in my head and I cannot wait until someone pisses me off.
Just bought a new umbrella for the person that finds it tomorrow.
TRUTHFUL TUESDAY:
When my son was 7 he pissed me off so badly I pressed all the elevator buttons knowing every new rider would blame him.
Yeah, well, I didn’t exactly want to be late for work today either but it’s not like hot wings can shave themselves out of chest hair.
What a relief. Bring on the nukes
(At the Gym)
Manager: Sir…I’m sorry but you’re required to wear a mask at all times on the gym floor.
Me: *sweating, panting and reaching around my face
I think…I think I swallowed it.
ENTER PASSWORD.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
RESET PASSWORD.
NEW PASSWORD CAN’T BE OLD PASSWORD.
sets fire to computer
Will no one rid me of this turbulent poodle?
Did you know that Icy Hot remains on your fingers 6 hours after application? Well I do, because I wear contacts.