When I worked at Olive Garden I once had a man get really mad at me because the red sauce was made with tomatoes and that’s basically what it’s like having kids
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My daughter thinks them being called joggers instead of sweatpants makes them worth $87.
Me: I love it when I’m on top of his…
Friend: Sophie! There are kids here!
Me: Timeline. I was going to say timeline.
I remember being about 6 years old and my grandfather did an Easter egg hunt for me and my sister. We looked for hours and found nothing. He later told us it was to teach us a very valuable lesson: Easter is not in November.
It sucks when you & your pal show up at a party wearing the same shirt…and an hour in, his chest hair starts sticking to your back.
Sci-fi is when Wonder Woman fights villains from outer space, fantasy is thinking Wonder Woman will go on a date with you.
You can see some absolutely disgusting and terrifying things in the subway. I once saw a guy order marinara sauce on his 6” tuna sub.
Weird how all salons are closed on Sundays, yet if you can convincingly fake a heart attack, paramedics will shave your chest-hair for free.
Sick of people telling me to “calm down” and “release the hostages.”
what happens if the bachelor chooses to love himself
A thousand Milwaukees is a Bilwaukee.
Watched my kid experience his first deep eye rub, like yeah, kid, get it. Do it til you see shapes.
me, to shovel salesman: [at a shovel store] how’s this do with like dirt & stuff?
shovel salesman: i’m not gonna bullshit you it’s pretty good
Coffee so hot I give it my real phone number.
I just felt a weird twitching somewhere inside me. I think it might be my liver waving a white flag.
The early bird gets the worm but the early worm gets eaten, so… I choose sleep.
Public bathrooms are why parkour was invented.
Me: I love pastry
Person on Twitter: I see that you like pastry and that’s fine but also I wondered if you ever knew that pastry was responsible for a murder in 1977 when someone set a sausage roll on fire which caused a fatality so you’re basically condoning murder here’s a link
I maintain neutrality in any situation by remaining clueless.
Me: He’s crowning!
King Charles: please don’t say it like that.
Me: wow
Wife: *lording over the many amazon boxes* it is a bountiful harvest
Finally, you get a cab. The driver is a golden retriever. You hop in and hope for the best
Writers of crime show blurbs are lazy. “She was missing and then her case took a shocking turn.”
It’s not shocking. I’m watching a show with murder in the title. I’d be shocked if she grew a third arm and joined the circus, but I’m fairly confident I know what’s up.
Oh, lord. I brought my mouth with me to work today and it’s all sass. Prayers, please.
Me: Cute baby, when was she born?
New mother: Yesterday.
Me: *opens coat filled with knock-off watches* Hey kid, I got Rolexes, 50 bucks.
Him: “What should I pick up for the storm?”
Me: “Nachos.”
“I meant essentials. We could be stranded.”
“Ohhhhhh. Then nachos AND vodka.”
safari guide: please keep your arms inside the vehicle
me: [a lion has my arm already] call a doctor
me: *hand on his shoulder* you can’t save everybody. just call time of death
doctor: you have a sprained ankle
I only practice kegels so I can carry in another grocery bag when my hands are full
I’M MAKING A SECOND POT OF COFFEE, IF ANYONE WANTS ME TO PAINT THEIR HOUSE.
With no training whatsoever, I took out myself and the other two people exiting the ski lift in one fell swoop.