When I would sit in the backseat of the car as a kid I used to imagine I was in a music video. Now when I sit in the backseat I imagine someone’s finally taking me to an asylum.
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My eyesight is just terrible since having kids. I’m always seeing double. It’s a nightmare!
Optometrist: Ma’am you have identical twins…
Almost 15 years ago my son was born and you find yourself picturing things they might do in there lives. In that moment, I knew that one day I’d be at high school football game on Friday night watching him.
15 years later and I’m here. Watching him play the tuba at halftime.
I have one son that loves to refurbish cars. He doesn’t get it from me, I don’t even vacuum.
Daylight Saving Time starts this evening, turn your clocks forward and change smoke alarm batteries before going to bed tonight.
Not gonna elaborate, but I just found out the hard way that the phrase isn’t “self defecating humour”
Husband: you’re late
Me: would you believe me if I said it’s because I made a healthy breakfast and then went for a jog
Husband: No
Me: Fine, my pop-tart got stuck in the toaster
4: MOM I NEED ANOTHER RED WINE!
Me, to the judging parents at the beach: RED VINE! She wants another licorice!!
Like I’d ever share my wine with her.
Yes, the 5:00 whistle! I’m so excited I’m going to yell a catchphrase of some sort and slide right down the tail of an unidentified dinosaur on my way to clock out!
Did you know?
Baby kangaroos are called joeys because they are the enforcers for the Marsupial Mafia.
🤣🤣🤣
Survivor, except it’s just me holding in my pee while talking to a guest at work.
My friend just told me that he can print a gun using a 3D printer, but I’m not impressed. I’ve had a Canon printer for years.
Pixar: How did you get past security?
Me: *out of breath* I have such a good name for a Ratatouille sequel, Rata-
Pixar, sighing: Rata2ille?
Me: -touille 2 oh man yours is so good
In my defense Facebook didn’t alert me it’s my wife’s birthday.
amazing news for movie lovers. i have just RSVPed yes to a wedding where the only person i will know besides the bride and groom is my ex boyfriend
Hear me out. An Elton John themed Indian restaurant named Rocket Naan.
If a turkey got murdered, the chalk outline would look like a giant preschooler’s hand.
when u have guests over for dinner it’s an absolute power move to just make up appliances. yell from the kitchen, “honey where’s the garlic thumper” and ur husband or wife can yell back “it should be right next to the wine gun” and ur friend will be like “wtf i want a wine gun”
Victoria’s Secret, how may I help you?
Me: Yeah, um, I ordered the girl on page nine, but you guys only sent me her underpants?
WIFE: I want a divorce.
ME: Is it because of my small wrists?
WIFE: Yes.
ME: [taking off bracelet] Then take your ring back.
Beauty is in the eye of the beholder but sometimes you really need beer googles.
psychic: [sees guy in crowd w/ a pony tail] Sir did u know a Chad?
“yes”
From karate?
“YES”
Chad wants u to know he’s ok
*guy starts crying*
I always thought a fortress was a female fort.
*me liking the smell of gasoline* “i have really expensive taste”
Celebrating President’s Day by not doing anything I promised I would
15 yo daughter has a friend over and suddenly 13 yo son wants to walk around curling dumbbells.
My daughter mockingly told me about Winemaking 101, a class her university offers. I surely hope she won’t mind bumping into me on campus.
In the event of a tornado, put some weiners in your pocket.
That way the search dogs will find you first.
The Person Who Discovered Sharks
[blind date]
HER: I’m a light eater
ME {trying to impress her}: I once swallowed a halogen bulb