Europe. Made in Germany.
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My 2yo is going around pretending to call everyone. When he got to his brother, my 5yo didn’t even look up from playing, responding, “I can’t talk now, my phone is dead. Bye.”
COP: It’s 4/20
ME: Yes, and I’m a dealer!
COP: Then you’re under arrest
ME: I’m a dealer at the casino, lol!
COP: Oh, haha! Is it a good place to work?
ME: No idea, I just sell drugs there
There was a spider in the shower this morning, and now my neighbours know I scream like a cat about to crest a roller coaster’s first drop.
next time i open up to someone is during surgery
I like to switch browsers as often as possible. They all prompt to make them the default browser. It feels nice to be fought over.
Hubby has an alarm app where you can record your own sounds or music to wake up to. I just changed his to “THE HOUSE IS ON FIRE!!!”
A guy in New York had a CVS receipt
stuck to his shoe.Luckily, a lady in Chicago saw it and
was kind enough to pull it off for him.
My chiropractor is a crack addict.
Bank: your credit card payment is late
Me: your imaginary financial system is illegitimate
Bank: what
Me: nothing what do I owe
Be nice or I’ll put you in my novel and won’t change your name
Gatsby: *pouring wine* After all, they DO call me the Grape Gatsby
Daisy Buchanan: Wow they really call you the Great Gatsby?
Gatsby: … Yup
WAITER: what else can i get you
ME: nothing thanks
WAITER: okay I’ll get the check
ME: *balls fists* what did i just say
No, I always make this wincing face when I talk to people saying awful shit. It’s not just you.
Please help, my kid keeps threatening to teach me chess
Me: This spaghetti is spicy.
Aquarium Employee: Did you just bite an electric eel
Money issues can seem overwhelming until you break it down and realize all you need to do is bring in a million times more per day. See? No problem.
If I don’t introduce you to the person I’m with it’s because I don’t remember either of your names.
Me: *in bed with dogs*
*car drives down street*
Dogs: HOW DARE YOU MAKE A NOISE WHILE OUR HUMAN IS SLEEPING, WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM?
Whenever I read a sexual tweet I already know the “not you” is implied.
Trojan: Pricier than some other brands, yet still cheaper than Enfamil, Gerber, Pampers, Graco, Fisher-Price, Playskool, Lego, Melissa & Do-
Not helping
I #respectfully #trot when you let me cross the street in front of you. I salute the #power of the automobile.
*me, at high school prom
Me: So, you wanna dance?
Her: Definitely!
M: Can you tell me why?
INTERVIEWER: this says u work well with otters. Did u mean others?
ME (shoving a romp of otters back into my briefcase): haha yeah of course
Me: I’ll never be like my parents
Also me: If you kids don’t stop fighting, I’ll pull this car over and you can walk home!
My bed hair is on point this morning. JK, I look like humans were designed by a mean toddler
I just want a girl that’s nice and sweet that doesn’t require a lot of money and I can dunk them in milk wait, a cookie, I want a cookie
My daughter, filling out a college app, called me at home to get my home number. Big shout out to the ex-wife for pissing in my gene pool.
I like to shit with the door open, because it keeps other people from getting onto the elevator with me.