@TheMichaelRock

When I’m a ghost, I’m just gonna go around unplugging phones while people sleep.

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@IncrediblyRich

I’m wearing my big rolled up socks again today and I’m doing so with pride. So all you haters can get in a taxi and chip off.

@GoldenSpirals

I’ll pronounce vegan “veegan”,

when vegetables become “veegetables”.

@MarfSalvador

Him: *Head in hands*

Her: What’s happened?

Him: Well- I…I… I found this head

@slimerobots

woke up midflight, made this note, immediately went back to sleep

@Michael1979

REASONS I’M NOT IN A BAND:

4. I don’t play any instruments
3. Band practice could affect my karate career
2. My karate rivals might hide inside our tour bus and sneak attack me as I relax
1. High risk of groupies falling in love with me and distracting me from my karate training

@mooses_mom_mar

Interviewer: What skills can you bring to this company?

Me: I can kill a spider without screaming.

I: Your office will be next to mine.

@ClichedOut

Genie: You can’t have unlimited wishes.

Me: I wish for unlimited genies.

Genie: Son of a