I’m wearing my big rolled up socks again today and I’m doing so with pride. So all you haters can get in a taxi and chip off.
When I’m a ghost, I’m just gonna go around unplugging phones while people sleep.
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I’ll pronounce vegan “veegan”,
when vegetables become “veegetables”.
Any salad can be a Caesar salad if you stab it enough
Him: *Head in hands*
Her: What’s happened?
Him: Well- I…I… I found this head
Cinco de Mayo means five of mayonnaise in Spanish.
I don’t think anyone anticipated this stage of corporate dystopia
woke up midflight, made this note, immediately went back to sleep
REASONS I’M NOT IN A BAND:
4. I don’t play any instruments
3. Band practice could affect my karate career
2. My karate rivals might hide inside our tour bus and sneak attack me as I relax
1. High risk of groupies falling in love with me and distracting me from my karate training
Interviewer: What skills can you bring to this company?
Me: I can kill a spider without screaming.
I: Your office will be next to mine.
Genie: You can’t have unlimited wishes.
Me: I wish for unlimited genies.
Genie: Son of a