When I’m a ghost, I’m just gonna go around unplugging phones while people sleep.

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If you guys don’t start appreciating my tweets, I will introduce my mom to Twitter. Don’t make me ruin this for everyone.


Monday: Greg

Tuesday: Ian

Wednesday: Greg

Thursday: Ian

Friday: Greg

Gregorian Calendar.


We desperately need something to unite humanity. No, not love or compassion. I’m talking about a full scale alien attack.


Every time you hire a clown for a kid’s birthday party, a therapist gets a new car.


I may be delusional, but at least every single person I’ve ever met is in love with me


Mafia boss: “So, did you do it? Is he dead?”

Me, suddenly realising what it means to ‘take somebody out’: “Oh, err…”


Me : Well, despite the difficulties, we’ve made the best of a bad situation

Life: Yeah, I’m going to need those lemons back


Why would I want to talk to your baby? On the phone. It’s a baby. If I wanted to hear random noises when I talk, I have a husband for that.


[911 call]
“My hand’s stuck in a blender!”
“Turn it on then.”
” I can’t hear it, turn it on so I know you’re not lying.”


I don’t want to lock my account because I like to help my X’s feel better about themselves when they check in & make sure I’m still a drunk.