@TheMichaelRock

When I’m a ghost, I’m just gonna go around unplugging phones while people sleep.

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@hammbone84

If you guys don’t start appreciating my tweets, I will introduce my mom to Twitter. Don’t make me ruin this for everyone.

@dysondoc

Monday: Greg

Tuesday: Ian

Wednesday: Greg

Thursday: Ian

Friday: Greg

Gregorian Calendar.

@liv_thatsme

We desperately need something to unite humanity. No, not love or compassion. I’m talking about a full scale alien attack.

@junejuly12

Every time you hire a clown for a kid’s birthday party, a therapist gets a new car.

@NotJPo

I may be delusional, but at least every single person I’ve ever met is in love with me

@stephenjmolloy

Mafia boss: “So, did you do it? Is he dead?”

Me, suddenly realising what it means to ‘take somebody out’: “Oh, err…”

@ThugRaccoons

Me : Well, despite the difficulties, we’ve made the best of a bad situation

Life: Yeah, I’m going to need those lemons back

@jctwritesstuff

Why would I want to talk to your baby? On the phone. It’s a baby. If I wanted to hear random noises when I talk, I have a husband for that.

@david8hughes

[911 call]
“My hand’s stuck in a blender!”
“Turn it on then.”
“What?”
” I can’t hear it, turn it on so I know you’re not lying.”

@murfer28

I don’t want to lock my account because I like to help my X’s feel better about themselves when they check in & make sure I’m still a drunk.