When I’m at a bar with my cousin she doesn’t think it’s funny when I yell ‘BUT HE’S YOUR GYNECOLOGIST!’ every time the music dies down.

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watching my cats groom each other and it feels like I should be throwing money at them


My dad worked on a car assembly line for 40 years. He retired years ago but still struggles with post pneumatic press disorder.


“Love means never having to say your sorry.”

– someone who is very single


Hostess: It’s a 15 minute wait. May I have your name?

Me: Baron Von Gerhardt, heir to the throne of Osterburken.


Me: Write it down.


Being a parent means hiding in a closet to eat a donut so you don’t have to share.


Why do people say “get well soon”?

Why don’t you want me to get well now?


“3 FOR 1 TACOS, TODAY ONLY” I shout into the megaphone. the crowd watches with bated breath.
“I’m coming down,” the man on the ledge shouts


“I should probably start filling this thing out.”

-I say about my son’s baby memory book on his wedding day.


You were all Pluto’s not even a planet and now you’re watching it from your space car all slow and creepy like. Jerk.


I accidentally took a woman’s multi-vitamin this morning. I have been trying to get dressed now for 2 hours but everything makes me look fat