@TySmithdrums

When I’m at a bar with my cousin she doesn’t think it’s funny when I yell ‘BUT HE’S YOUR GYNECOLOGIST!’ every time the music dies down.

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@IamEnidColeslaw

watching my cats groom each other and it feels like I should be throwing money at them

@DanMentos

My dad worked on a car assembly line for 40 years. He retired years ago but still struggles with post pneumatic press disorder.

@Cali_Kid_Mike

“Love means never having to say your sorry.”

– someone who is very single

@EyalAlony

Hostess: It’s a 15 minute wait. May I have your name?

Me: Baron Von Gerhardt, heir to the throne of Osterburken.

Hostess:

Me: Write it down.

@abhorrent_wife

Being a parent means hiding in a closet to eat a donut so you don’t have to share.

@chrisdowning

Why do people say “get well soon”?

Why don’t you want me to get well now?

@isabelzawtun

“3 FOR 1 TACOS, TODAY ONLY” I shout into the megaphone. the crowd watches with bated breath.
“I’m coming down,” the man on the ledge shouts

@Marlebean

“I should probably start filling this thing out.”

-I say about my son’s baby memory book on his wedding day.

@Guinz

You were all Pluto’s not even a planet and now you’re watching it from your space car all slow and creepy like. Jerk.

@t0shiba

I accidentally took a woman’s multi-vitamin this morning. I have been trying to get dressed now for 2 hours but everything makes me look fat