There’s only two ways to do things: the easy way or the way I’m actually going to end up doing it.
When I’m at a bar with my cousin she doesn’t think it’s funny when I yell ‘BUT HE’S YOUR GYNECOLOGIST!’ every time the music dies down.
You Might Also Like
Jesus, take the wheel!
*steering wheel disappears*
*car careens into tree*
I’m no political expert, but as far as I can tell the Republican strategy seems to be:
“oh you think BUSH was terrible?”
Sure, make fun of my cargo shorts but sooner or later you’re going to need a martini shaker or a map of 11th century France.
Me: haha so yeah I just try to stay young at heart
My date, joking: lol isn’t that just another way of saying immature?
Me: *throwing spaghetti and Barbies at his head* NO IT DOESN’T SHUT UUUUUUUUUP
Pretty upsetting that gummy worms are actual size but gummy bears are not.
[Home after awful day at work, my dog greets me]
Me: At least somebody’s happy to see me!
Dog: *shakes head, pulls banana from pocket*
me: I don’t negotiate with terrorists
wife: she’s three
me: I don’t care how many she is
Black ice is just like regular ice except it dies first in movies.
*on a first date*
Me: I’m in financ-
Her: oh finance that’s cool
Me: ial debt. Crippling financial debt