My wife says the kids look just like their father…
…and if I ever find out who he is, he’s got some explaining to do
You Might Also Like
Walk of shame
Except it’s me leaving the work bathroom just as the cleaners show up
40% of my vocabulary consists of words that I inventaciously creatified.
A couple weeks ago I left my front door open and my Roomba got out. This morning it showed up on my porch pregnant, with a dead bird in its mouth.
Some say the glass is half empty. Some say it’s half full. I ask “Are you going to finish that?”.
*sees a hot christian girl*
Me: I am christian now,where do i get one of those plus signs?
Friend: That’s a cross.
Me: across from where?
Her: Do you have a date for Valentine’s Day?
Me: I do. It’s February 14th.
I just heard an add on the radio stressing the importance of healthy muscles and it inspired me to bend my elbows more while eating cake.
me: i hate walking into a room and forgetting why i’m here.. lmao
executioner: just sit in the chair
CAR SALESMAN: Check out the reclining seats.
ME: Oh this baby is gonna get some action *winks*
[Cut to me asleep in car on my lunch break]
A dog walks into a bar. Then a bank. Then the dry cleaners. This is a dog world. Way to be productive, dog. Try to do the bar last next time
One reason I love learning other languages is you find out there’s one culture that has a word for like, “the feeling you’re going to put someone else’s silverware away incorrectly and alcohol is a factor” and you get to wonder why that became necessary to express so concisely
College was the most expensive video-streaming service in last 2 years
Sound smarter than you are: end words with “eaux” and sentences with “if you will.” If you’re pissed, “quite frankly” adds a nice touch.
At least the self-checkout doesn’t ask me what I’m making for dinner with these items or when I’m going to call my mother.
ME: For my last wish, I want an infinite number of cooked turkeys.
GENIE: Hmmm. *checks Genie handbook* I’ll allow it.
ME: *begins removing all the wishbones*
GENIE: DAMMIT
Kid…
Me…
Kid…
Me…
Kid…
Me…
Kid: You didn’t sew the hole in my bunny
Me..
Kid..
Me: It’s 3:07am
Kid: So are you gonna sew it now?
Egg nog was invented in Germany back in 1816 when Baron Von Heldebrandt reportedly said “Hey guys, let’s get this custard drunk!”
If a necromancer isn’t someone who gives you hickies, then I’m not interested.
My daughter just straight up out of the blue said “daddy if you ever get shot I hope it’s in the belly so your fat will save you” WTF
Happy birthday to rapper Pitbull who is 34 today, or 238 in dog years for all the other Pitbulls.
Cats are still liquid.
GF: I’m sick of you pretending you’re a detective. We should split up
ME: Good idea. We can cover more ground that way.
my mind
You just read my mind
REALITY SHOW HOST: …and one of you will be going home
ME: how many points do I need for that
*Sends carrier pigeon back*
“I have a suitor.”
I have a dream that my son will one day live in a nation where he will not be judged by the size of his boat but by the motion of his ocean.
I can’t believe I have appendicitis in the middle of a global pandemic. this is legit funny like can my body read the room one time???
Can I donate fat instead of blood?
My wife just sent me a text ” I just bought you the best Christmas present! xox :)” …..I hope she misspelled Xbox
You have no idea how many windows you have until someone is working on your gutters.