watching my cats groom each other and it feels like I should be throwing money at them
When I’m at a bar with my cousin she doesn’t think it’s funny when I yell ‘BUT HE’S YOUR GYNECOLOGIST!’ every time the music dies down.
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My dad worked on a car assembly line for 40 years. He retired years ago but still struggles with post pneumatic press disorder.
“Love means never having to say your sorry.”
– someone who is very single
Hostess: It’s a 15 minute wait. May I have your name?
Me: Baron Von Gerhardt, heir to the throne of Osterburken.
Me: Write it down.
Being a parent means hiding in a closet to eat a donut so you don’t have to share.
Why do people say “get well soon”?
Why don’t you want me to get well now?
“3 FOR 1 TACOS, TODAY ONLY” I shout into the megaphone. the crowd watches with bated breath.
“I’m coming down,” the man on the ledge shouts
“I should probably start filling this thing out.”
-I say about my son’s baby memory book on his wedding day.
You were all Pluto’s not even a planet and now you’re watching it from your space car all slow and creepy like. Jerk.
I accidentally took a woman’s multi-vitamin this morning. I have been trying to get dressed now for 2 hours but everything makes me look fat