Imagine living in Canada and riding a moose everywhere you go
You Might Also Like
[first date]
Boy: so where are you from?
Me: [points to all you can eat sign]
I live here now.
absolutely pissing myself over this police chase in LA. man running from police. going over 100mph. but still religiously using his blinker
Me: you are my queen.
Her: awwww thanks 😍
Me *rolling out guillotine* and monarchy is an abomination.
Went to a public park and my 4yo was like, “Is this Disney World?!”
The answer is yes and I’ll cut anyone who tells her differently.
Whenever I destroy an ant hill with the leaf blower, I imagine the footage of the terrible blownado being shown on ant tv the next morning.
A chicken pie in Jamaica costs £2.00
A chicken pie in Trinidad costs £2.40
A chicken pie in St Kitts costs £2.15These are the pie rates of the Caribbean
Bartender: YOU’RE the guy that drinks from the soap dispenser in the toilets?
Me: [I try to say “NO” but it’s just lavender scented bubbles]
I asked two Uber drivers to pick each other up and am watching them chase each other in circles around my block until they run out of gas.
Left my fiancé at the altar. The relationship is over, but the human sacrifice went perfectly
She took one of the many decoy hoodies that I leave strategically around my place. She never even came close to my true inventory.
How many vultures circling you is good luck?
I was getting out of my car, twisted weird, lost my balance, bounced off the car next to me and then back to my car. I hope everyone in the parking lot was taking detailed notes on how to exit your car like a Weeble Wobble.
The struggle when hungry me has to eat the lunch that healthy me packed
Interviewer: says here you have a military background
Me [getting out my phone]: yeah but I changed to a picture of my dog eating spaghetti
WIFE: if you misinterpret one more thing I say, I’m leaving
ME: please don’t, I promise I’ll change
WIFE: ok you’ve got a week
ME: [crying] a weak what?
Me: What’s the wifi password?
Barman: You need to buy a drink first.
Me: Okay, I’ll have a coke.
Barman: Is Pepsi okay?
Me: Sure. How much is that?
Barman: £3.
Me: There you go. So what’s the wifi password?
Barman: You need to buy a drink first. No spaces, all lowercase.
1 star recipe reviews are always like “I replaced the sugar with flax seed and butter with spinach and these pancakes came out dry and gross. Do not recommend”
I usually spend my Sundays texting apologies but I’ve had an alcohol free weekend now I have nothing to do.
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*Nurse 1: I’m exhausted.
Nurse 2: I hate Labor Day.
Vampires have to scroll forever to get to their birth year
How much wood would Steve Winwood win if Steve Winwood could win wood?
The wife always talks to herself in the shower. She says that’s how she plans her day.
Don’t like eavesdropping. Just wanna make sure she’s not leaving us.
I believe this to be the best photograph of a dog ever taken in human history.
I started studying Tai Chi, so I wouldn’t recommend getting in a slow-motion fight with me…
Don’t complain to me about gaining weight until you’ve outgrown a necklace.
My boss accused me of being overly dramatic, I lamented in a soliloquy as I threw myself across the desk in feigned shock
I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.
[taking a hearing test]
DR: Ok, now tell me what you heard
ME: I heard your wife cheats on you with the neighbor while you’re at work
DR: [tears forming] I meant what beeps and tones
No one cares about a firm handshake anymore. Now a slice of ham in your palm…that’s confidence.
This is the final season of Young Sheldon.
I hope they don’t kill him off.