Sorry if I unfollow you. It’s nothing personal, I just hate the things you say and do, and who you are as a person.
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Sad to think that the Grandma from the Nutty Professor is probably dead by now.
My uncle has two dobermans named rolex and timex.
They’re his watch dogs.
Joker: Want to know how I got these scars?
Me: Did you try to hug a squirrel? Because, you know, been there.
Joker: No I…wait, what?
[staff meeting]
“Ya so heads up, someone grabbed my lunch from the fridge, and there’s a 420% chance you shouldn’t eat the brownie inside”
airlines should have an option where you can book distances rather than just destinations. here’s 100 bucks, take me as far as that’ll get me. just drop me in the Atlantic ocean, I’ll figure it out.
Cult Leader: Our god must be appeased
Me: Maybe he’d like to be acarroted instead
Cult Leader: …
Wife: Omg I can’t take you anywhere
The only French I know are words for food items and the chorus of Lady Marmelade. Turns out that’s all you really need.
Honey, I’m afraid we can’t get married anymore. weed_hitler69 just told me I was gay.
*looks at Xbox*
Thank you sir. You’ve changed my life.
I was jumping on the trampoline with my son and now my neighbour won’t stop mowing his lawn next to the fence
a robot’s eyes change to red when they go evil because they are in love (with murder)
Hubby is redoing Sis’s kitchen. Today he kicked down a wall like a one man SWAT team. I’ve got the ibuprofen gel on standby.
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
“It is the east. And Juliet is the sun. Now she an eggplant. Now she a goat. Now she a dog” -Romeo, if Juliet had snapchat
God *creates slugs* meant to do this a while ago
Slug: So you’re saying you’re….sluggish haha
God *creates salt*
Moses: And number 7 is thou shalt not steal
Ol’ lying, thieving, murdering Dave who hates his parents: This is starting to feel personal
beginning to think I may never inherit a chocolate factory
Me: Table for four, please. And can we get some crayons?
Her: Will there be children dining today?
Me: No. The crayons are for me.
*My parents at my birth*
Mom: she’s beautiful
Dad: she’s perfect.
Precognitive doctor: One day she will have a “top three” monkey gifs.
Me: [pitching an idea for a comic book] Imagine a superhero whose parents are–get this–alive and well.
Exec: *under breath* whoa
A Victoria’s Secret commercial will always come on when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Doritos.
I’m at that stage in life where my bladder is at its weakest and my phobia of public toilets is at its strongest.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Is a personal shopper someone who just goes on Amazon for you now?
I don’t want to alarm anyone but I’ve purchased a ukulele. Soon as I can jam, there’ll be auditions for my band behind the 7-11.
NO WEIRDOS
Her: Do me on that counter
*Later in therapy*
Her: He tried to have sex with me on an abacus.
Probably the reason planes don’t have horns is that no one could resist how funny it’d be to honk it a bunch as you crash into a mountain
The squirrels of Grand Canyon might be cute. But they’ll beg. They’ll steal. They’ll bite. They’ll do anything to get what you want. So don’t trust them. Don’t approach them. And don’t give them anything—or they might take everything. – BM
You’re like a semicolon. I’m not sure exactly what to do with you.
imagine teaching an egg cooking class and finding out you have a student named shelly
[my wife wants an expensive audi]
ME: instead of buying 1 car for $60k we could buy 2 cars for $30k each
HER: *rolls eyes* oh sure, then why not 3 cars for $20k each?
ME: great point, could even do 4 cars for $15k each
[an hour later]
ME: how about 60,000 cars for $1 each
Goth karate is easy because you already start off with a black belt.