When I’m at a restaurant and see ‘secret sauce’ on the menu, I immediately tell the people at the table next to me
You Might Also Like
Chris: I don’t care.
Kris: I don’t kare either.
DOG 911: what’s your emergency?
DOG: *whispering* they put me in a stroller
DOG 911: *covers phone* WE’VE GOT A CODE SLIGHTLY DARKER GREY
My 4 year old asked me if tears were made of pee and when I told him “no” he asked why they taste like pee. I have so many questions.
[filming lord of the rings: fellowship]
peter jackson: great scene
sean bean: thanks but it’s pronounced “shawn”
I asked 4 if she was excited to start school and she said she doesn’t need to go to school bc she already know lots of words and if she runs out she can just make them up
kale is so versatile, it can literally fit into any trash can
[Entering a dark forest]
“Listen. That’s the banshee wailing. One of us may not make it home alive.”
“Keening.”
“What?”
“Banshees keen.”
“You go first.”
“Dammit.”
I say, “know what I mean?” A lot for someone who doesn’t even know what I mean.
My kid: Ohana means family and family means no body gets left behind
Me: I don’t care what ohana means, you have 5 seconds to get your shoes on or we’re leaving without you
[About to have sex]
Girl: Do you have a condom?Me: Yeah
*bird screaching*
Girl: I said condom not condor
Me: *taking condom from bird’s beak* Good boy Rory.
Girl:
Me: Don’t you feel stupid now?
Seize the day! by its legs and lock it in chains. Hold a mock trial, find the day guilty. Behead the day. Bury the day in a nameless grave.
How am I gonna to break it to my wife that I’m leaving her for Erica749273674863485
The most magical part of the holiday season is when my husband looks lovingly into my eyes and says, what did we get my mom for Christmas?
Me: Is the natural state of the soul quiet or chaos?
Taco Bell cashier: Look buddy, it’s transient, shifting like water
every house is a dream house when you can’t afford one
My kind of messy bun is cinnamon.
I thought my pores were finally getting smaller, but it turns out my eyes were just getting worse.
doc: the bad news is your insurance is terrible
me: what’s the good news
doc: you won’t need it for long
Remember that time you were reluctant to test my latest invention “amnesia pills” but did anyway?
“No”
excellent.
Instead of calling it a “to do” list I’ve started writing “side quests” at the top to make it seem more fun and interesting and boy has that not worked at all.
If anyone wants to know how WWIII will actually start…. 🤣
Do you have hobbies, or did you decide on marriage instead.
HERE’S MARKY
Parents: don’t give your child the answers to his homework. He needs to learn on his own that you don’t know what you’re talking about.
<job interview>
It says here on your resume that you are a “self-proclaimed man of few words.” Would you like to elaborate on that?Me: no
genie: what is your first wish
me: i wish i could change anyone’s voice
genie: [kermit the frog voice] why
Quick, is ANYONE on this plane a singer?
[new coffee shop]
DAY 1
barista: name?
me: Pru
b: order for Prune!DAY 2
m: Pru. P-R-U
b: Poo!DAY 3
m: JANE… MY NAME’S JANE
Them: Hey girl what’s your sign
Me: McDonalds Open 24 hours