@joeljeffrey

When I’m at the mall, I carry a purse around so people think I have a girlfriend

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@KylePlantEmoji

[First day as a doctor]

Patient: I got stabbed!!!

Me: is there a family history of being stabbed?

@miowoda

This is the funniest YouTube comment I’ve ever read.

@MeatyPunk

“FOR [sound of robot-computer meltdown/Buckethead noise] PRESS 1

FOR [feint but audible screams of someone being chased in woods] PRESS 2”

@envydatropic

My greatest fear is that I’ll be reported as a missing person and my family guesstimates my weight way higher than what I actually weigh

@AnOrangeSNES

When the Eagles wrote the lyric “We are all just prisoners here, of our own device,” they weren’t kidding.

Posted from my iPhone

@sageboggs

I hate self-promotional people. They’re so into themselves they probably don’t even realize I have a new album available on iTunes now

@jessokfine

You knock on the melon to test freshness but something knocks back

@iTweetNShit

$2000 date? We better be sitting at the table with Jay-Z and Obama at the same time while eating dinosaurs & sippin’ on virgin Indian tears.

@KentWGraham

I’m glad we evolved from apes. If we evolved from chameleons, we’d constantly be walking into each other.

@HeyZeus666

If a baby like Justin Bieber is the face of teen angst and rebellion, then we’ve bubble wrapped our kids too tight.