[First day as a doctor]
Patient: I got stabbed!!!
Me: is there a family history of being stabbed?
When I’m at the mall, I carry a purse around so people think I have a girlfriend
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This is the funniest YouTube comment I’ve ever read.
“FOR [sound of robot-computer meltdown/Buckethead noise] PRESS 1
FOR [feint but audible screams of someone being chased in woods] PRESS 2”
My greatest fear is that I’ll be reported as a missing person and my family guesstimates my weight way higher than what I actually weigh
When the Eagles wrote the lyric “We are all just prisoners here, of our own device,” they weren’t kidding.
Posted from my iPhone
I hate self-promotional people. They’re so into themselves they probably don’t even realize I have a new album available on iTunes now
You knock on the melon to test freshness but something knocks back
$2000 date? We better be sitting at the table with Jay-Z and Obama at the same time while eating dinosaurs & sippin’ on virgin Indian tears.
I’m glad we evolved from apes. If we evolved from chameleons, we’d constantly be walking into each other.
If a baby like Justin Bieber is the face of teen angst and rebellion, then we’ve bubble wrapped our kids too tight.