@Ben_Langley_

When I’m bored, I like to hold wedding ceremonies for my kitchen utensils.

“I now pronounce you pan and knife.”

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@AudreyPorne

if you’re too polite to ask your date to leave just whisper “Mother might be getting cold in the pantry” while staring nervously at your kitchen.

@PJTLynch

Alfred: About your girlfriend Catwoman…
Batman: Yes, she’s a thief, but-
A: No, she pooped on the rug again. Right next to the litter box!

@yonewt

To print a document from your laptop:
1. Select document
2. Click “Print”
3. Walk over to printer to see what the damn problem is this time

@Reverend_Scott

DETECTIVE: TELL US WHERE THE STOLEN BANK MONEY IS HIDDEN

ROBBER: Nope, but I WILL give you a series of clues

DETECTIVE: ok this sounds fun

@BastardProphet

I’m in the other room and I hear my 3yo shout, “In your face, poop”. Then the toilet flushes. I would give anything to get that excited about pooping again.

@mejustbeth

A vulture floats lazily overhead. Here come a few of his friends. Oh, and a few more. Look, now they’re circling.

Maybe I should move.

@SocialExtortion

Hey, not too bad
I know mom
I know mom
I know mom
I know mom
I know mom
I know mom
I know mom
I love you too
Ok, bye

-phone convos with mom