Why in the hell would I clean my bathtub? I put soap and water in there every day…
When I’m bored, I like to hold wedding ceremonies for my kitchen utensils.
“I now pronounce you pan and knife.”
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Left my car for maybe 15 minutes in front of the dorms and I come back to this. College man
Coworker: You’re so condescending and arrogant.
Me: They mean the same thing so you didn’t need to say both.
I now have 8 apps to communicate with the same people.
“Let It Go” performed by Rose and Jack from Titanic. Mostly by Rose, though.
I bet the first woman who had twins was like ??????????
Carpenters are only in it for them shelves.
HAD LOTS OF ESPRESSO. TWEETING FROM THE MOON. I LIVE HERE NOW. IT IS NOT MADE OUT OF CHEESE.
1 OUT OF 5 STARS: NOT RECOMMENDED
Found an old, dead mosquito in a storage box. You guys want to try and make a Jurassic Park?
“Are you seeing anyone?”
Me: lately I’ve been seeing this squiggly floaty thing on my peripheral vision.
Floaty thing: We’re just friends.