Don’t buy Colgate whitening toothpaste!!
Label reads: Guaranteed whiteness in only 14 days…
15 days later and I’m still black.
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Urban Dictionary: Helping white folks figure out if they’re getting insulted or complimented daily.
I hate that, you go to someone’s wedding and they’re asking “who invited you” my friend focus on your union and let me eat in peace
If you’re responsible for the fruit tray, then your family has zero faith in your culinary skills
MUGGER: *pulls out a knife*
ME: *pulls out a jar of marmalade and two biscuits*
MUGGER: Lovely.
I’m at the ‘you fold laundry too loudly’ part of marriage.
Pre-surgery instructions: Do not wear makeup the day of surgery.
Surgeon: But I want to look pretty.
I found a dog in a toilet.
It’s a poodle.
I have my hesitations about Paradise City if the first thing you brag about is the color of the grass.
Me: One day I took my friend-
Him: Wait, you have a friend?
Me: Yes
Him: Wow, ok, go on
Me: So I took my friend to the vet for her shots and
Goldfish 911: What’s ur emergency?
Goldfish: I forgot
Goldfish 911: Forgot what?
Goldfish: WHO IS THIS?
Goldfish 911: I DON’T KNOW
Me: Omg, my legs are like jello!
Trainer: You stood up.
Me: Sooo sore!!
Me: *juggles stapler, tape dispenser and hand sanitizer*
Interviewer: I meant are you good at multitasking. Please return those items to my desk.
Very normal stages of anger:
1) kinda upset
2) crying
3) imagining yourself singing a revengeful song to them at a talent show
Put the spoiled milk back in the fridge and hope it gets better.
– What I think when I hear someone is getting back together with an ex.
“I’ll have a caramel macchiato, hold the espresso & milk.”
“Miss, that’s just a cup of caramel sauce.”
“You heard me.”
Pronounces Gene Hackman like Pac-Man and you won’t convince me i’m wrong
*Walks up to podium*
Hey everyone, sorry my wife couldn’t make it, she’s carrying our first child.
*crowd claps*
He’s 7, he’s just lazy.
In honor of the winter solstice I will also be cold, distant & filled with darkness.
Outing my girlfriend as a Protestant at Christmas dinner so my Granny forgets that we’re both women
DATING TIP: Hold the door for your date. Rip the door off its hinges. Use the door as a weapon to fight off other men. Establish dominance.
*Pets a blob in the dark to see if its my cat*
*I’m still not sure*
Wife: I love that we finish each other’s-
Me: Drinks?
W: What? No. I was gonna say sentences HEY WHERE’S MY
Me: Margarita?
They say as your kids get older they get more likeable but that can’t be true because my parents still don’t like me
I heard you like bad boys?
*jumps in pool after eating without waiting an hour*
Sup.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Keep your goddamn mouth closed
Whenever you chew
A small tragedy.
The doctor said to spread my legs wider for the exam. Going to the optometrist is kind of fun.
I learn something new every day that I didn’t want to know.
The kids are asking for fun shaped sandwiches for their back-to-school lunches and I’m so flattered they’ve mistaken me for the kind of mother who would do that
Scuba diving instructor: Be careful not to get too close to the sharks
*under breath* or they’ll break your heart and move in with your brother