This lady didn’t know how to use the gas pump, so I winked at her and whispered “nobody does” while pouring gas into my jacket pocket.
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When a bite of food falls off your plate… And you just stare at it on the ground like, “We could’ve made each other happy…”
My husband said I have everything I need so he’s not getting me anything for Christmas. Really? I need Jason Bateman. Work on that.
you begin to tell your eye doctor that you’ve been seeing “floaters” when he gets a strange look on his face and begins to rise
In case you’re wondering if humans will be able to overcome the virus, remember we are talking about the species that presses harder on the remote control buttons when the battery is dead.
Me: oh and I forgot to tell you…
My kid to his friend: you go on ahead, this is going to take a while
When you and your favorite bird are very high at the zoo
The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.
Imagine asking me, “What that mouth do?”
And I say, “Come and find out .”
Now it’s the third hour of you listening to me talk nonstop about bees
Would an Egyptian doctor who specializes in the spine be called a Cairopractor?
He really should be.
I’m rubber, you’re glue. I’m destroying the planet and you are made of dead horses
i wish it was legal to speak up during a haircut if theyre doing something you dont want. sadly you just have to sit there
[commercial for salad]
Do you want to feel sad when you eat?
Stranger asks you what time it is = kinda annoying
Stranger asks you what year it is = pretty concerning
Stranger asks you what century it is = extremely exciting
Her: What’s something you’ve never told anyone?
Me: I think ravioli should be an appetizer at restaurants
Her: Like something naughty though
Me: I like to eat ravioli before my meals
Kudos to NPH for keeping it brief. #Oscars
Saw a homeless white girl begging for money. I didn’t give her any, because I know how they are, always blowing it on Starbucks.
“I don’t want a boyfriend.” -woman who wants a boyfriend who isn’t me
If you`re not going to help me break into my ex`s house to delete the hysterical message i left on his answerphone,then you`re not my friend
I just killed two birds with one stone and my next door neighbor looks horrified.
“Is this true love or just a kidnapping?” I yell from the trunk
hey boy 😉 is that a gun in your pocket or are you just pleased to see m- oh, it is a gu- yes i will open the cash register
Suddenly all I own are skinny jeans.
Whenever my husband “puts something away” I’m always suspect. I mean, it’s not as if he really knows where anything goes.
If the first rule of fight club is not talking about fight club, how did fight club ever get off the ground?
[first day working for IKEA]
Customer: one nightstand please
Me: sorry, I’m married
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but alcohol makes ugly people pretty.
Do I hate when people answer their own questions? Yes.
People need to stop posting denigrating photo memes of animals; they have dignity and deserve respect. Oh that’s Rick Santorum? Ok carry on.
A Spanish bodybuilder told me he’s run out of protein powder.
I thought: “No whey, Jose.”