When I’m bored I venmo cash to strangers with messages like “you looked so peaceful while you were sleeping”.

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When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I like to stab them with a pen and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.


you: let’s get this bread

j.d. salinger, an intellectual: let’s catch this rye


Imagine my surprise when I found out that don’t is not the abbreviation for donut


Me: I invited Todd over for dinner.
Wife: Uncle Todd or Todd who takes things literally?
*Todd exits out the back door with our television*


If you get a tattoo with words, and there is a misspelling, just get a red squiggly line added underneath it and everything’s cool


[goes back in time to murder baby Hitler] wow long line of people here to kill him
[goes back to murder myself] how is this line even longer


I joined snapchat yesterday; apparently my phone doesn’t die fast enough for my liking.


A girl who’s literally called ‘Beauty’ walks around town singing about how stupid everyone else is. It’s a mystery why Belle had no friends.


This lady at the Edible Arrangement store acts like no one’s ever asked for a corn dog bouquet before.