When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I like to stab them with a pen and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
When I’m bored I venmo cash to strangers with messages like “you looked so peaceful while you were sleeping”.
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you: let’s get this bread
j.d. salinger, an intellectual: let’s catch this rye
Imagine my surprise when I found out that don’t is not the abbreviation for donut
Me: I invited Todd over for dinner.
Wife: Uncle Todd or Todd who takes things literally?
*Todd exits out the back door with our television*
If you get a tattoo with words, and there is a misspelling, just get a red squiggly line added underneath it and everything’s cool
[goes back in time to murder baby Hitler] wow long line of people here to kill him
[goes back to murder myself] how is this line even longer
I joined snapchat yesterday; apparently my phone doesn’t die fast enough for my liking.
A girl who’s literally called ‘Beauty’ walks around town singing about how stupid everyone else is. It’s a mystery why Belle had no friends.
It’s not really ‘fast food’ if fat people can catch it.
This lady at the Edible Arrangement store acts like no one’s ever asked for a corn dog bouquet before.