When I’m bored nobody texts me but as soon as I get busy as hell… BAM… still nobody texts me.
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I have no idea how to clean a cheese grater. Usually I just end up grating a sponge
wife *resting after surgery*
me
wife
me [holding flowers and a Transformers birthday balloon] They didn’t have any that said “Get Well Soon”
I can walk up to any dog, rub its butt and make a friend. That trick only works about half the time on people.
men r from mars , women r frm venus , neither are capable of reproducton or space travel so species dies out [RECALIBRATE SIMULATION?] <Y/N>
My 3yo niece wants dead grapes.
Raisins, she wants raisins.
{last supper}
Jesus: This bread is my body. This wine, it is my blood. And this Cadbury egg is filled with my…
Judas: Ok ok that’s enough!
Me: Jesus. Get the kids inside
Wife: What’s wron-
Me: *running* JUST GET THE DAMN KIDS INSIDE
[a bee flies off of the lens of my binoculars]
You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I unfollow you.
You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I block you.“A Game of Phones”
So, I went to look into this Eat Clean Bro thing, I accidentally put in Eat Bro Clean and well, that is a different kind of diet.
*at the red lobster*
me: i will have the red lobster
waiter: okay
Candy canes are the perfect treat. They are minty & put you into the holiday spirit & can easily be fashioned into a shank.
*puts powdered sugar around my nostrils and walks into blind date set up by my mom*
just got sacked from my job at a think tank for thinking about aeroplanes
Bomb squad: sir, please clear the area while we locate the device
Me: did you… did you bring the bomb sniffing dog?
Bomb squad: YOU AGAIN
[hospital]
DOCTOR: you’re ok
ME: so it was just a dream
DOCTOR: no your heart did turn into a bowl of cereal but your system is accepting it
ME: I wanna be the very best like no one ever was
Prof Oak: [handing me Pokedex] there are 150-
ME: sorry how much work is this gonna be
My Body: we’re hungover
Me: but I didn’t drink anything
My Body: I don’t make the rules
By the age of 35, you should have seen off the threat of redundancy by using your control of your employer’s social media account to secure a pay increase.
Phonetics
7: I’m not sure I want to be a parent
Me: Why not?
7: Because it seems tiring
Me: Why?
7: Because I don’t want to waste my money on kidsKids are such fast learners these days
shaggy: help my gf caught me cheating
rikrok: *screams absolute gibberish*
shaggy: this is serious she has me on video
rikrok: say it wasn’t u?
shaggy: ok i’m gonna go
[hears baby crying in the next room]
“It’s ok, I’ll go.”
[gets in car & goes to a motel]
When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.
once again thinking about how i would like a piece of the fbi cake from the silence of the lambs
I would throw myself under a duvet for you.
When my girl pisses me off, I steal the last page out of the book she’s reading.
18 years old: let’s eat pizza at 1am and feel amazing
40 years old: I ate a chicken sandwich at 9pm and had heartburn for two days
*cop sees chalk outline on family’s driveway* “Damn, a cute bunny was murdered”
“No, the kids who live here drew that, the body’s over here”
how did ur grandpa get dementia and forget EVERYTHING except the racism
over-40 lifehack: if you go every 6 months instead of annually, they only give you a semicolonoscopy