Me: I’m gonna run into their kitchen and grab some extra cheese
Her: … you definitely don’t have permission
Me: It’s actually pronounced parmesan
When I’m bored nobody texts me but as soon as I get busy as hell… BAM… still nobody texts me.
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sighs “always the predator, never the prey…”
Why are they called condoms and not woody hoodies?
#ExplainAFilmPlotBadly A raccoon and a tree commit multiple felonies
My favorite Bible story is when Jesus feeds the multitudes after administering a drug test to make sure they deserve food.
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
Pretty cool that the letters “B.J.” stand for the two greatest things in the world: beef jerky & Billy Joel.
[calls wife from store]
“Are you in more of a frolicking or jumping in the air mood? There’s so many tampon choices”
Damn girl, are you the Sunday crossword because I want to spend all day doing you…
Mob boss: fellas, restrain him
me: you can’t restrain me if you’ve never strained me
Mob boss: and gag him