@evidentlyblonde

When I’m bored nobody texts me but as soon as I get busy as hell… BAM… still nobody texts me.

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@KylePlantEmoji

[restaurant]

Me: I’m gonna run into their kitchen and grab some extra cheese

Her: … you definitely don’t have permission

Me: It’s actually pronounced parmesan

@briangaar

#ExplainAFilmPlotBadly A raccoon and a tree commit multiple felonies

@JohnFugelsang

My favorite Bible story is when Jesus feeds the multitudes after administering a drug test to make sure they deserve food.

@SteveDutzy

Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.

@robdelaney

Pretty cool that the letters “B.J.” stand for the two greatest things in the world: beef jerky & Billy Joel.

@Mr_Kapowski

[calls wife from store]

“Are you in more of a frolicking or jumping in the air mood? There’s so many tampon choices”

@gruffybeard

Damn girl, are you the Sunday crossword because I want to spend all day doing you…

@English_Channel

Mob boss: fellas, restrain him

me: you can’t restrain me if you’ve never strained me

Mob boss: and gag him