When I’m bored nobody texts me but as soon as I get busy as hell… BAM… still nobody texts me.

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Me: I’m gonna run into their kitchen and grab some extra cheese

Her: … you definitely don’t have permission

Me: It’s actually pronounced parmesan


#ExplainAFilmPlotBadly A raccoon and a tree commit multiple felonies


My favorite Bible story is when Jesus feeds the multitudes after administering a drug test to make sure they deserve food.


Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.


Pretty cool that the letters “B.J.” stand for the two greatest things in the world: beef jerky & Billy Joel.


[calls wife from store]

“Are you in more of a frolicking or jumping in the air mood? There’s so many tampon choices”


Damn girl, are you the Sunday crossword because I want to spend all day doing you…


Mob boss: fellas, restrain him

me: you can’t restrain me if you’ve never strained me

Mob boss: and gag him