@JayMindX

“When I’m dead, I’d like you to buy a $9,000 box and throw it down a hole.”

-Humans

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@SteveDutzy

Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.

@brennadine

BRB YOU GUYS, I GOTTA DO THIS FACEBOOK QUIZ TO FIND OUT WHAT BREED OF CAT I AM

@JermHimselfish

Don’t run with scissors because you might accidentally trip, fall and cut the grand opening ribbon of a new museum 2 weeks ahead of schedule

@UncleDuke1969

“Wow, cell phones are getting ridiculously big.”

“That’s a smart car.”

@Swishergirl24

Officer: do you know why I pulled you over?

Me: pass

Officer: have you been drinking?

Me: pass

Officer: You can’t just keep..

Me: pass

@PAPPADEMAS

shame on Kellyanne Conway for attempting to politicize the Bowling Green massacre, in which I was killed

@behindyourback

This Slow Jaywalker Thinks The Driver Of The Oncoming Car Values Human Life More Than Proving A Point, What Happens Next Will Surprise Him!

@shegotagronk

The camera adds 10 pounds. The front facing iPhone camera adds 437 pounds.

@TheHatStore

me: I forgot my line

movie director: I really regret bringing you on this fishing trip