“When I’m dead, I’d like you to buy a $9,000 box and throw it down a hole.”


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It’s HOMOsapiens, not HETEROsapiens. It’s the Bi-ble, not the Straight-ble.


professor x: what’s your power?

me: i can cry

professor x: on command?

me: no just when i’m sad or whatever

professor x: you don’t punch a hole in the drywall?

me: nope

professor x: wow [writes on notepad] logan are you hearing this?


Plan “T” is going to work out, I have a good feeling about this one.


My Family: Show us on the doll where you…where you touched yourself.
*I slowly point to the doll’s face, everyone erupts in sobs and wailing*


Because of aquariums I thought I loved marine biology but it turns out I just really like the idea of fish prison.


I told the 8 clowns in a tiny cop car to “clown arrest me! Take me to clown jail!” And they did. Bail has been set at 150 banana cream pies.


If I notice an unfinished jigsaw puzzle at someone’s house, I eat a few pieces.


Me: What are my choices again?
Pollster: Donald Trump…
Me: Or?
Pollster: Puppymonkeybaby.
Me: …
Pollster: Well?
Me: I’m thinking.


Psychiatrist “Tell me about your trust issues.”
Me “No”


Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.