Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
“When I’m dead, I’d like you to buy a $9,000 box and throw it down a hole.”
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BRB YOU GUYS, I GOTTA DO THIS FACEBOOK QUIZ TO FIND OUT WHAT BREED OF CAT I AM
Don’t run with scissors because you might accidentally trip, fall and cut the grand opening ribbon of a new museum 2 weeks ahead of schedule
“Wow, cell phones are getting ridiculously big.”
“That’s a smart car.”
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over?
Officer: have you been drinking?
Officer: You can’t just keep..
shame on Kellyanne Conway for attempting to politicize the Bowling Green massacre, in which I was killed
Who called it freeze dried pork and not 6 degrees Kelvin Bacon?
This Slow Jaywalker Thinks The Driver Of The Oncoming Car Values Human Life More Than Proving A Point, What Happens Next Will Surprise Him!
The camera adds 10 pounds. The front facing iPhone camera adds 437 pounds.
me: I forgot my line
movie director: I really regret bringing you on this fishing trip