“When I’m dead, I’d like you to buy a $9,000 box and throw it down a hole.”
-Humans
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I would move hell over six inches for you
(Cargo pants filled with tater tots) “How many do I need to get an Xbox?”
“Sir, that’s not how Toys for Tots works.”
“FALSE ADVERTISING!”
Do mermaids clean the sea or how does that work?
God spoketh unto Noah and The Lord sayeth “build an ark.” God spoketh once more and The Lord sayeth “Simon says build an ark” and it was so.
No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body
I want to be on maternity leave but without the baby.
Toddler: I want to go to bed with Thor & captain America
Me: me too kid, me too
I can help anyone quit smoking by spraying them with hair spray as they light their cigarette.
*knock on the door
Satan: Yes?
Santa (pissed): STILL getting your mail!
I want a pet donkey that will kick people I don’t like on the command, “huh, interesting”.
The three things Im grateful for:
1. Family
2. Friends
3. Caller ID to avoid family and friends.
I like my women like I like my coffee, passed through the digestive system of a cat
Pre-employment drug tests are misleading, I didn’t get to try any of them.
You’d be surprised how much of parenting is reminding your children not to eat soup with their hands.
[At bar]
Me: As a joke, I’m gonna pee my pants
Wife: Seriously? You’re a married man now
M: Right…sorry. I’m gonna pee “our” pants#BT140
Jesus: one of you will betray me tonight
*checks phone*
Jesus: WHO IN DAD’S NAME UNFOLLOWED ME?!”
*judas slyly slips phone back in robe*
*Slides down your chimney*
*Straightens all your pictures*
Just told my sleeping husband I lost two lbs, to which he replied, with his eyes still closed, “I’ll help you find them. We’ll look later”
You’ve ripped the husband stick figure off your minivan, but also the cat stick figure. This is a story I want to hear.
Met a cute guy named Jack.
I grabbed his hand and dramatically said, “I’ll never let go, Jack!”
He quickly left. It’s okay though. My heart will go on.
Kids today will never know the struggle of flipping a cassette tape in a Walk-Man will riding on a bicycle at the same time.
I left my Hoover in the garage and raccoons broke in and angrily destroyed it
I guess it’s true — nature abhors a vacuum
I got invited to an acquaintance’s baby shower, I thought I bought teeth rings, I bought this woman’s baby a freaking dog toy. 🙃
“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
“Yeah….so is a grenade”
Listen, I’m one of those people who have the best intentions when it comes to making you a fried egg…
With that said, scrambled it is.
9am: *starts diet*
2pm: *injects KFC gravy intravenously*
Her: So, are you seeing anyone?
Me: You mean like a therapist or hallucinations?
Cancer: Expect a minor shakeup at work this week when you find your boss eating what’s left of Gary.
Danny Zuko: I got chills, they’re multiplying…
Sandy: Gross. You probably have a stomach bug.
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.
-Me with beer, me without beer