@T_Bonezzz_

When I’m depressed I like listening to Alanis Morupset

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@uheartIessbitch

just because i loved you at one point does not mean i will always love you… I am not Whitney Houston

@bwebster76

Keys just don’t make me laugh as much as they did when I was a baby.

@ka_waltz

every cat falls into one of the following categories:
• looks like it knows how to use a sword but refuses to teach you
• looks like it just finished eating an éclair

@E_lok44

Hey. Do these camo pants make me look fatigued?

@Tmoney68

I’m so lazy, I’ll only walk my fingers through your hair.

@AnAverageGiant

Today I had a mild panic attack over the fact I will die someday. Then I bought some shit on Amazon.

Your mom is a hermaphrodite.

@FunnyBison

my kid thought that we eat kidneys and liver from humans

what scares me is that she didn’t care

@TheTweetOfGod

“And thou shalt know those whom God has chosen for eternal salvation in the following manner: they shall retweet this.” Revelation 4:12.