“When I’m done shitting on your car I’m going to watch your wife undress through her window”-Birds

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magician: “think of a letter, any letter”
me: “ok”
magician: “now double it”
me: [visibly confused]


DOCTOR: u broke ur leg in five places, how did this happen
ME:*flashback of me trying to carry too much ice cream up the stairs* bears.


Less than two weeks until Canadian Thanksgiving.
Better start marinating the beaver.


The Flintstones had cars, record players, TV, radio, helicopters, lawn mowers…

but not shoes.


Cop: Sir…

I know, I know. Why is my dog dri-


I threw the ball too far during fetch

Cop: Fair enough


My personal trainer told me to stop eating pizzas but if I’m craving it I should just eat one slice. So now I ask them not to cut the pizza.


COP: I need to search your car.

ME: Sure, google whatever you want officer.


GOD: for this to work, I need them to feel love
CUPID: how about I shoot them through the heart with an arrow?
GOD: ur starting to worry me