“When I’m done shitting on your car I’m going to watch your wife undress through her window”-Birds
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I am NOT just ‘a piece of meat’ you know. I’m a ribeye steak… a bit fatty, but still quite tasty.
Ok, I lied. I’m pork butt.
Me: [Eating pizza for breakfast]
Gym nerd: [pouring 8 flourescent powders into a gym bottle] I dunno how u can put that shit into your body
When writing science fiction, always Google your made-up planet name; 9 times out of 10, it’s an existing yeast infection medication.
calling the number on a missing cat flyer and meowing
“I’m married to a raving lunatic.”
– Actual quote from my husband, yesterday, confiding in our neighbor’s golden retreiver.Joke’s on him. That dog tells me everything.
Interviewer: “Why do you want to be a librarian?”
Me: “I like telling people to be quiet.”
hi, yeah, do u have a minute to talk about our lord and savior Godzilla
sleeper makes drafting your fantasy team easy👇
Jealousy is one of the seven deadly sins because the next thing you know you need a shovel and an alibi.
I needed some gas for my mower so I snuck over to my neighbor’s shed, on the gas can there was a note that said it’s empty go get your own gas Marc. So I took his mower instead.
Sunday: I think the kids handled daylight savings pretty good
Tuesday: no
Friend: “I just blew a speaker in my car.”
Me: “Which kind?”
Friend: “Motivational.”
Rice: for when you’re not really
hungry but still wanna eat a 1000
of something.
Boss: who wants to practice public speaking?
Me: can I go?
Boss: of course.
Me: [goes home]
Why eat high-calorie yogurt when you can just have ice cream for breakfast instead?
Wife: Nothing you could say could convince me that cockroaches aren’t the worst.
Me: Wall-E’s friend was a cockroach.
Wife: Except that.
Humor: the only thing I like dry.
I’m really trying to care about this Queen dying but she didn’t even put out any good songs
her, deep in thought: *does that cute thing where she puts the tip of the frames of her glasses in her mouth*
me, deeper in thought: *eats my glasses*
My plans for world domination will have to be put on hold while I try to open this package of batteries.
I could get hit and killed by a truck right in front of him and my dentist would still find a way to blame it on the fact that I don’t floss
[wakes up next to perfectly crocheted sweater with knitting needles in hands]
Oh dear god not again
sorry, eggs benedict are way too fancy for me. bring me some eggs steve
Doctor: “You are gonna hear the pitter-patter of tiny feet.”
Kim: “I’m pregnant?!”
Doc: “No-”
*a tiny monkey walks in*
“This is my nurse.”
[running a concession stand] pay me $5 and i’ll admit you were right
Computer: Login failed. Did you forget your password?
Me: oh shi–[Cut to my password waiting alone on the side of a soccer field]
It’s me against the world! That’s how gravity works
Me: is everything ok you seem distant
Them: that’s the wrong end of the binoculars
they should invent a rest for the wicked