“When I’m done shitting on your car I’m going to watch your wife undress through her window”-Birds
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Where do rainbows go when they’re bad?
Prism. It’s a light sentence
friend: i want a bf
me: i want to hold the reins of 2 equally powerful, beautiful horses who run w/perfectly matched paces & also respect me
What is bluesky and is it pronounced like a cloudless day or a Polish last name?
Found out my sіster ate my leftovers whіle І was at work, now І’m starіng out the wіndow lіke І’m іn a sad early 2000’s musіc vіdeo.
[at church]
ME: the fabric on these pews is so soft
HER: omg put your pants back on
Repeatedly referring to the electrician as a “take charge kind of guy” is a great way to make your doorbell turn on the garbage disposal.
An alarm clock that texts your boss for you the fifth time you press snooze
My kid was struggling to solve a complex math problem and tried unsuccessfully to ask Alexa for help. Being the responsible parent I am, I explained the best way to crowdsource a solution is to post the wrong answer on Reddit and 500 peeps will correct you in minutes.
Don’t EVER let anyone tell you you’re not worth anything. You can get at least ten grand for one of your kidneys.
So the mullet is back but ffs don’t bring back the rat’s tail.
I’m so tired, I’m thinking of visiting my grandma just so I can take a swig outta her oxygen tank.
The premise of The Exorcist is truly terrifying. Imagine having a 12-year-old daughter.
If I ever had an out-of-body experience I would at least insist upon an upgrade upon my return.
Life is like a bear, play dead and it will leave you alone.
if you shouldn’t go food shopping when you’re hungry then you should definitely not go clothes shopping when you’re naked. trust me on this.
Han: Leave us alone, you fat slug!
Jabba: *speaks Huttese*
C-3PO: The mighty Jabbs says your words are hurtful. He has a thyroid problem.
[meeting girlfriend at the park]
Her: Surprise! I made us a picnic!
Me: *unfolding emergency bib from wallet* Holy shit let’s do this.
Some guy with hair said I was bad at descriptions the other day.
me: having a blended family is challenging
person: you and your wife have kids from different marriages?
me: no, we have Android and iPhones in our family group chat
This wouldn’t be taking so long if they used the metric system for counting.
If a dude can be CEO of three companies at the same time that just says to me CEO isn’t a very demanding or important job.
Each year millions of innocent lives are lost when they accidentally board the wrong plane bound straight for the waiting mouth of a child.
Nurse: Hi I’m Sandi I’ll be drawing your blood today.
Me: [not seeing a single red crayon] How?
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
Nothing creates permanent frown lines quite like receiving anti-aging skin products as a birthday gift
Boomer: I got this toy when I was 6. I didn’t open it. Now it’s worth $1000!
Gen X: I open shoe boxes on YouTube. Now I’m a millionnaire
am i supposed to have a separate mouth with which to kiss my mother please advise
even if u realy hate sombody, u shoud never insult their physical apearance!!! bc as soon as u dig deeper u will find much stronger insults
I relate to #PizzaRat because if I found a slice of pizza as big as a car you can bet I’d try my best to take that thing home.
I would have loved to have been there when Mary and Joseph tried to explain to Jesus where babies come from.