@Ohgoddessitsme

When I’m driving I listen to the country station because it makes me want to get to my destination faster.

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@wolfpupy

next time you hear The Boys Are Back In Town think of me, the unsung hero, who chases the boys out of town with a broom

@drinksmcgee

Me, pretending to make an effort when I really don’t want to do something.

@MikeLonghelt

They told me to spread love wherever I go.

Now everyone is complaining about being covered in Nutella.
You can never win with some people.

@jackiembouvier

I just saw a girl hang half her body out the window of her car to give someone the finger. She is my spirit animal.

@SteveDutzy

Not now, kids.

Daddy’s pretending to be a woman on the Internet

@RidiculousSheri

“Shelley’s coming over.”

“Shelley from work or Shelley who was raised by gorillas?”

*gets hit in the face with poop*

@xmasape

If Michaels doesn’t come strong with a “Hobby Lobby supports ISIS” campaign then they’re just not ruthless enough to survive in Big Craft

@TheSharona06

For people who say “nothing is impossible”, that’s crazy. I’ve been successfully doing nothing for several years now.