When I’m driving I listen to the country station because it makes me want to get to my destination faster.

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next time you hear The Boys Are Back In Town think of me, the unsung hero, who chases the boys out of town with a broom


Me, pretending to make an effort when I really don’t want to do something.


They told me to spread love wherever I go.

Now everyone is complaining about being covered in Nutella.
You can never win with some people.


I just saw a girl hang half her body out the window of her car to give someone the finger. She is my spirit animal.


Not now, kids.

Daddy’s pretending to be a woman on the Internet


“Shelley’s coming over.”

“Shelley from work or Shelley who was raised by gorillas?”

*gets hit in the face with poop*


If Michaels doesn’t come strong with a “Hobby Lobby supports ISIS” campaign then they’re just not ruthless enough to survive in Big Craft


For people who say “nothing is impossible”, that’s crazy. I’ve been successfully doing nothing for several years now.