when im eating a salad and some leaf stems are sticking out of my mouth i feel like a brontosaurus
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A kleptomaniac in a bakery really takes the cake
What the dentist sees
I’m a 4 in America, but in Germany I’m a solid nein.
Having to write cover letters is so dumb. Do u really believe my dream ever since I was a little girl was to optimize SEO for a mid level online publication? No. It was to ride a pony on a space rainbow. Grow up.
Star Wars (1977): A wounded warrior overcomes severe burn injuries to build a massive empire only to see his estranged son destroy it.
He said I won his heart and I was all “Ugh can I just win like $20? How about a sweater from Sears? A pencil? I could really use a pencil.”
WIFE: I thought you said you were going to the gym.
ME: [playing Pokémon Go] I’ve been to like 3 of them today. What are you talking about?
Eat food with the fridge open in front of the other food to establish dominance as well as prepare for the next feeding.
In a war with my neighbor to see who can attract more hummingbirds. We need more wars like this.
[Breakfast]
My Wife: What are you doing?
Me: *spreading toothpaste on toast* Multitasking.
reasons my cat is yowling:
-she doesn’t want the food in her bowl
-she wants to be picked up
-she wants to be put back down
-she wants to play
-she doesn’t want her toys touched
-the mantelpiece is not high enough
-it’s raining
-the universe is large & she is its queen
I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you.
Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…
Darn, my 250 million years old salt has expired.
If television has taught me anything, it’s that I can totally outrun an explosion.
I hate when people ask me what I meant by something. Listen, I have no idea. I’m as confused here as you are.
We’re both learning what I’m about to say at the exact same time.
I just googled “Is there really cowbell in the actual song Don’t Fear the Reaper?” and my first response was, “Go outside and do something.”
Logged into FB told Gemma her wedding pics are beautiful.
Logged into Twitter to tell you she looked like a fat man in drag and I hate her.
Picture the perfect woman.
Wrong.
You’re a guy. You’re always wrong.
“I need a woman like you in my life”
Aww thanks, I hope you find her lol
it’s so stupid how stores are already selling halloween candy, like anybody is actually going door-to-door this year,
..today i bought a 5lb bag.
“Arise! Arise! Foul creatures, I command that you arise! ARISE!”
“Dad, just once, couldn’t you let mom or the alarm clock wake us?”
“ARISE!”
I always take two stairs at a time, that way if I fall, it’s only half the distance…..
[phone w/ fiancé]
Hey, I can still pick whatever suit I like for the wedding right?
“As long as its black, why?”
*wearing batsuit* No reason
Boss: You’re fired
Me: *turns in my gun and my badge*
Boss: You’re a waiter where did you get those
I listen to Ed Sheeran in the same way I stuff an entire cupcake in my mouth over the sink hoping no one will see.
Date: you know that was just a filter, right?
Me: *upset she’s not part puppy* it’s fine, I’m fine
The secret to my impressive dance moves? Spider webs.
Who called it America and not the fast food and the furious?