When I’m empty-handed my dog doesn’t know what the word ‘sit’ means, but if I have a treat she can perform neurosurgery.
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All it took was a skirt and one strong gust of wind and all of a sudden, my spirit animal is Hello Kitty.
Them: you have an attitude problem
Me: it’s not a problem… I like it
cashier: have a nice day
me: i got other plans, buddy
Introverted vegans go meetless
Amazing how each of the kids in Willy Wonka was written to represent a different deadly sin: pride, gluttony, sloth, chewing gum until you become a blueberry, greed, etc.
genie: you have three wishes
me: nightvision goggles
genie: dope
me: the only pair on the planet
genie: many people will be affected
me: now kill the sun
genie: dude
I await the announcement that Trump’s running mate will be Charlie Sheen.
[First Date]
Him: Great dress.
Me: Oh, this?*flips hair*
*twirls*
*skirt flares*
*foot catches*
*face plants*Him:
Me: Hey! Come back!
Him: Let’s go out tonight.
Me: It’s a work night and very late.
Him: It’s 5:00PM on a Friday.
Me: I’M EXHAUSTED. WHY CAN’T YOU HAVE AN AFFAIR LIKE MY FRIEND’S HUSBANDS?
You know the person in exercise videos that’s doing the easy version of everything? I’m the guy behind that person eating chips.
I like “found family” over “chosen family” because it makes it sound like I discovered them under a rock. like bugs. or worms
My daughter will not be fully comfortable until she finds a spot to sit on the living room floor that perfectly blocks her sister’s view of the television.
Son: My pencil is stuck in this Spirograph.
Me: So, you’re having an exitstencil crisis?
This is enough internet for the day.
Instead of asking pregnant friends if they know the baby’s gender, I ask if they know the species, that way I don’t have to worry about being invited to the baby shower
Eccentric Millionaire: I’ve invited you to my private island because I crave the deadliest game…
Me: (nodding) Knife Monopoly
Eccentric Millionaire: I was actually going to hunt you for sport, but now I’m really interested in whatever Knife Monopoly is
House 4 Sale: older home w/ character & charm. Lovely bookshelves. Ignore Matthew McConaughey, we don’t know how he got trapped in the wall.
[eating cured meats and mixed cheeses while jumping out of an airplane] lmao pacharcuterie
Husband: You know how we could keep costs down on a really cold day?
Me: Setting fire to the house?
There should be an Olympic event that requires participants to remove a single cube from an ice cube tray.
Quick question: do you pee before or after sex? I pee after. I haven’t been able to pee in months
ME: No idea why I can’t sleep right now
FOUR EMPTY CUPS OF COFFEE: uhhh—
ME: [avoiding eye contact] No idea at all
I feel like before a bee stings a human, all his dumb bee friends are like “you can totally take him.”
“Your resume has MPGMA listed under hobbies. What exactly is that?”
Making people guess the meaning of acronyms.
i’m a Leo which means i won’t win an Oscar for several more years
boss: ok which one of you clowns tried to fax a pie?
me: *tearing off my rainbow wig and quickly hiding it in my comically oversized pants* i think it was steve
*slips the attendant $20* “make sure you pick me out a good one”
Sir this is a daycare…
“uh huh *winks* a daycare”
If I didn’t have kids, I’d be questioning why I found acorns under a fake Christmas tree.
I hate double standards. Burn a body at a crematorium, you’re “being a respectful friend.”
Do it at home and you’re “destroying evidence.”
I thought Coachella was a bone in the ear.