When I’m exercising with my cats, I barely make it through track one on my playlist before I need a nap in someone’s yard.

*gets arrested for trespassing

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15000 CCTVs 2b installed in Delhi 4r Obama’s visit.

This is ridiculous. Just because he’s black doesnt mean he’ll steal anything. Racists!


We’re born alone. We die alone. And in between we search for our car keys alone.


Why is everyone mad at Kim Davis? Nobody in the government does their job.


Watch closely as the husband quietly approaches the calm children, riles them up into a frenzy, then slyly escapes to watch football.


You just know that years after all this is over, we’re all gonna be the batty grandparents chasing after our kids as they leave with our arms full of toilet paper like “TAKE THIS YOU NEVER KNOW WHEN YOU’LL NEED SOME AND THERE WON’T BE ANY.”


Sometimes my sarcasm doesn’t deliver well and people miss the message. Anyway that’s why I’m stabbing you.


“Ok, identify the noun in this sentence. Timmy is stupid.”

Timmy: stupid?



Pro Tip : Give the person interviewing you “something to remember” doesn’t means giving them a bite mark.



So I misread the ad

Apparently, The Cartel doesn’t NEED a drug snuggler