My son got a Country Boy sticker for his truck. I wrote “but I live on a golf course and I’m afraid of cows” under it bc I don’t like lies.
When I’m exercising with my cats, I barely make it through track one on my playlist before I need a nap in someone’s yard.
*gets arrested for trespassing
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My mom: I was thinking of getting my grandson a drum set for Christmas!
Me: Funny. I was just thinking about getting a new mother.
mother in law: [eyes turn black and pukes all over me] I’ll eat your soul
wife: oh my god she’s possessed
me: you sure? I mean you know her better but
me: I hate boxes and how they hold food so well! almost TOO good!
inventor of cornucopia: sir, do i have something to show you
Receptionist: the doctor can see you now
invisible man who’s also blind: who said that
receptionist: who said that
The only way I’d be scared of a ghost is if one was coming at me wearing a fitted sheet that I thought I’d have to eventually fold.
Sochi is doing that thing where they manically try to clean the house 10 minutes before company arrives. But the house is Russia.
Sex so good the peeping Tom made sandwiches.
I just saw a lady jogging backwards. You go, girl…or you just went…or here you come. I don’t know which direction I’m going with this.
Just convinced my Mom she won’t get Wolf of Wall Street if she doesn’t see Teen Wolf first. Please play along.