@Wine_Honey1

When I’m exercising with my cats, I barely make it through track one on my playlist before I need a nap in someone’s yard.

*gets arrested for trespassing

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@SaltyCorpse

My son got a Country Boy sticker for his truck. I wrote “but I live on a golf course and I’m afraid of cows” under it bc I don’t like lies.

@TheMichaelRock

My mom: I was thinking of getting my grandson a drum set for Christmas!

Me: Funny. I was just thinking about getting a new mother.

@pilau

mother in law: [eyes turn black and pukes all over me] I’ll eat your soul

wife: oh my god she’s possessed

me: you sure? I mean you know her better but

@Karate_Horse

me: I hate boxes and how they hold food so well! almost TOO good!
inventor of cornucopia: sir, do i have something to show you

@LlamaInaTux

Receptionist: the doctor can see you now

invisible man who’s also blind: who said that

receptionist: who said that

@SaraMansford

The only way I’d be scared of a ghost is if one was coming at me wearing a fitted sheet that I thought I’d have to eventually fold.

@Amburglar_

Sochi is doing that thing where they manically try to clean the house 10 minutes before company arrives. But the house is Russia.

@hunz74

I just saw a lady jogging backwards. You go, girl…or you just went…or here you come. I don’t know which direction I’m going with this.

@mikescollins

Just convinced my Mom she won’t get Wolf of Wall Street if she doesn’t see Teen Wolf first. Please play along.