When I’m feeling inadequate, I remember that there are women who marry their prison pen pals, and then my own decisions don’t seem so bad.
You Might Also Like
me: my dog won’t stop laughing at me
vet: this is a hyena
Batman: “Shall we watch a film?”
Superman: “Have you got Cape Fear?”
Batman: “Only in revolving doors. Now, a film?”
Missing someone and wanna meet them? Just wear the worst clothes you own and go to the supermarket. They’ll run into you.
My wife wouldn’t let me sling shot candy at trick or treaters tonight.
This is bullshit.
Mugger: give me everything you got
Spice Girls: Oh tell me what you want what you really really want
Mugger: ok nevermind
If Dracula were on Grindr, he would be looking for a guy with a blood sausage.
Internet dating? No thanks. I like the internet, but I don’t like like the internet.
Oh so when Van Helsing kills a vampire he’s a hero, but when I do it I’m “ruining Halloween”
I’m tempted to start throwing glitter at people who refuse to wear masks. So sorry it got in your mouth and up your nose, I bet a mask would have prevented that.
do what now??
I feel like I’ve been drinking water since the day I was born. When does it end? Like get over it blood I’ve given you plenty
Them: are you sad because you eat or do you eat because you’re sad?
Me: *takes long, slow drag of egg roll* look kid…
I shall have another coffee for I am sleeping standing
Me at 16: No one can tell me what to do with my life.
Me at 36: Someone please tell me what to do with my life.
Most people don’t think I’m as old as I am until they hear me stand up.
BOSS: *rubbing bridge of her nose* Why were you late again?
ME: Well it’s High Five Wednesday, and I passed an aquarium full of Octopuses
Goats will be chewing while looking at you like they have seen you somewhere.
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
Clerk: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here.
Clerk: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
[first date at a chinese restaurant]
“So are you more of a dog or a cat person?”
*reading menu* I was thinking orange chicken but you do you
Yes I have strong principles, no they do not guide my behavior in any way. And that’s Valid.
Once someone broke into my car and didn’t steal anything – not my leather jacket or any of my CDs, and I have never felt more judged.
Me: I would love to sleep with you
Her: ok I think we’re ready for this
[We lay down and nap because we are not perverts like you]
I’m at the “my 7 yr old gave himself a hickey on his arm” part of the parenting journey.
Hashtag blessed.
Don’t judge me because it said “family size” and I ate the whole thing.
It might have been meant for a really small family.
For sale: $300 King size mattress & box spring, 6 mo old, Never had sex on it, not even once. IDK ask her.
Alexa, make me look good naked.
I’m at my parenting best when I randomly yell out “be careful!” every few minutes without looking up from my phone.
just learned that all of the “You’re the best!” texts my dad sends me are one of three quick reply options in his Toyota Rav4
Sorry I can’t make it, I asked my toddler if he wanted help putting on his shoes he answered “yes I don’t”