When I’m guilted into going to a dinner party I didn’t want to, I like to sneak off into the kitchen and slip a few small pieces of LEGO into the pepper grinder that’ll be used at the table. That way dinner is colourful and festive.
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Some of you would make better cellmates than soulmates.
Hiking is a great way to get fresh air, exercise, and find spots to hide the person you murdered.
I ordered botox instead of a bowflex and you can’t tell but I’m mad
I wonder how many of these NSA agents have a crush on me.
Ah yes, time for the biannual gaslighting of the cat, in which I slowly shift meals by 15 minutes at a time for two weeks in a ritual that is both mystifying and infuriating for him.
Hulk Hogan tries to quietly rip his shirt off during a funeral.
*smashes car through your living room*
Fancy meeting you here, have you been getting my text messages?
Signs your wife is cheating:
1. Weird cologne
2. Emotional distance
3. Late-night abences
4. She introduces you to her boyfriend
I am a wild, sexually-charged woman in my prime. I know exactly what my body needs & just how to get it.
*goes to bed at 5pm*
Been getting into gardening lately and I think it’s going well!
I’m just saying, who could afford murder hornets in THIS economy? 2020 had a backer, and I’d like to see some receipts, CHARMIN.
*suddenly pulls away from kissing* BUT WHERE DOES THE STORK GET THE BABY FROM?!?
How a career in technical writing ruined me as a letter writer
*Showing me a picture of your baby*
Me: Is that a dog toy in the background? What kind of dog do you have? What’s your dog’s name?
You know what they say about a guy with big hands?
He can carry more cheeseburgers.
Is your junk drawer full or also pulls out the drawer beneath it full?
Coach: Sorry, you didn’t make the team this year, pal.
Me: Oh, who got the last spot?
Coach: Umm
Me: Why is that golden retriever over there shooting free throws?
Plot twist, I pay you to see my premium creative content?
I wonder if my dog gets embarrassed when I give him kisses in front of other dogs at the park.
[opens fortune cookie]
be careful what you wish for
[opens another]
this is your final warning
me 2 months after i graduated
My sex drive has a dui
When they say jump, you have to be ready to say, into which volcano.
I tried killing a spider with kindness, but found that a shoe was much more effective
Just realized my undies are on inside out .. Was gonna change them around . but I figured let the other side get sum action for a change .
Dietician: “I can help you lose weight in 12 easy steps.”
Me: “Is there an elevator?”
Fair warning. People who underestimated me in the past have seldom learned of their error!
my ball rolled under the couch. and i cannot reach it. the human has been informed of the issue. and reminded. that my problems. are their problems
Cleaned out my car yesterday, it only took me 15 years.
I like ordering delivery pizza from two different locations as a race. I prize myself as the winner with two pizzas.