@SvnSxty

when I’m having a bad day as a parent, I just remind myself that plenty of animals won’t hesitate to eat their kids, so really I’m in gold star territory

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@Jake_Vig

Average Guy: [writes her a song]
Girl: “Yeah, whatever.”

Hot Guy: “Sup.”
Girl: “Oh my god, you’re so creative!”

@TheCatWhisprer

BOSS: due to the virus we need everybody to work from home

ME: please, i have a family

@jake_lach

*Holds door for woman
*Slams door in her boyfriend’s face

@Parkerlawyer

My husband is out of surgery and in recovery. What was the first thing my drug induced sweetheart said to me? That he loved me? That I was beautiful? That he missed me?

Nope.

Mashed potatoes. That’s what he said. Mashed potatoes. Get me some mashed potatoes.

@ItsAndyRyan

Noah in a pet shop
“Two of every animal please”
“Want any unusual examples?”
“No, just arky-types”

@dumbbeezie

When someone tells you that you can’t do something, ignore them. That’s how people trick you into doing things

@dadthatwrites

“Why is my heart palpitating?”

-Me, after chasing a pint of ice cream and a hamburger with Death Wish coffee.

@JennyJohnsonHi5

‘Here Comes Honey Boo Boo’ is the reason I always donate money to Planned Parenthood.

@Mouthy_

My favorite sport is jumping into conclusions