when I’m having a bad day as a parent, I just remind myself that plenty of animals won’t hesitate to eat their kids, so really I’m in gold star territory
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Doctor: You have 6 months to live
Me: omg what can I do?
Doctor: Oh lots of things
Me: Phew
Doctor: but only for 6 months
<— only has 13 problems left.
Turns out, getting divorced cured 86 of em!
‘THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU!’
~me, parenting teens
Gandalf: Frodo, you have the fortitude to carry the ring and resist its power.
Frodo: *puts the ring on twice in one hour*
Gandalf: ffs
“Everything else tastes like us. Why do we need to die?” -chickens
“Jingle-horse” sounds like an insult made by someone who wasn’t very good at crafting insults
[boxing match]
ANNOUNCER: …and the challenger weighing 8lbs 7oz, Billy “The Baby” Sanchez
CHAMP: That’s a real baby
TRAINER: You got this
ME: *wearing medieval armour* I’d like to book a room.
HOTEL RECEPTIONIST: How many nights?
ME: *lifts visor* Just me.
No one lies to themself more than the person that says they’ll do the dishes after they “relax for a little bit”.
Best way to ensure social distancing is to carry a clipboard everywhere. You’re welcome.
Tuesday be like “My name is Tuesday and I am not Monday in disguise”.
I solve the trolley problem by choosing whichever option is more inconvenient for the passengers
My second child was so overdue, when we left the hospital we dropped her off at kindergaten.
Historian : Rome wasn’t built in a day.
Me : [Trying to impress the girls] He’s right, you know, it was built in Italy.
If the kids knew there was a light in the attic, they would leave that one on too.
I never move faster than when I’m pulling a shirt or sweater over my head. I like to minimize the “murder window” as much as possible.
I’m donating my body to science. I’m getting sick of it taking up space in the freezer.
🤣🤣
When I accidentally open a message I never wanted to reply.
I’m installing a generous 4 minute timer on my forehead so that chatty people know when it’s time to wrap this up.
Fighting fire with fire but in the marital bed we’re just fighting wind with wind
I once snuck my cat into a grocery store just to show him what a lazy hunter I am.
“Your dinner is good, but my taste buds can’t appreciate it” my son said, so I guess he’ll have a great career in politics
mountain lion attacks are on the rise. especially in california. be prepared!
My bf just suggested we put canned peas in the egg salad and anyway, I’m single now.
[at pet store]
Im looking for something cheap and will get people to stop coming over.
I get it cicadas I need to scream for a month too
Me: don’t you love it when you find $20 in a jacket pocket?
Guy [wearing a jacket that used to have $20 in it]: *distant yelling* hey get back here
Whenever Sting goes in for surgery, I bet the doctors and nurses have a good chuckle calling it a sting operation.
“This is greatest invention since sliced Brett!”
—Cannibals