when I’m having a bad day as a parent, I just remind myself that plenty of animals won’t hesitate to eat their kids, so really I’m in gold star territory

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Average Guy: [writes her a song]
Girl: “Yeah, whatever.”

Hot Guy: “Sup.”
Girl: “Oh my god, you’re so creative!”


BOSS: due to the virus we need everybody to work from home

ME: please, i have a family


*Holds door for woman
*Slams door in her boyfriend’s face


My husband is out of surgery and in recovery. What was the first thing my drug induced sweetheart said to me? That he loved me? That I was beautiful? That he missed me?


Mashed potatoes. That’s what he said. Mashed potatoes. Get me some mashed potatoes.


Noah in a pet shop
“Two of every animal please”
“Want any unusual examples?”
“No, just arky-types”


When someone tells you that you can’t do something, ignore them. That’s how people trick you into doing things


“Why is my heart palpitating?”

-Me, after chasing a pint of ice cream and a hamburger with Death Wish coffee.


‘Here Comes Honey Boo Boo’ is the reason I always donate money to Planned Parenthood.


My favorite sport is jumping into conclusions