when im having a bad day i remember a time i walked into a public bathroom&turned the lights on&heard a guy in the last stall say”thank god”
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-So YOU’RE the mother of this girl called..(checks notes) ..Riding Hood?
-Yes! Something happened to my beloved ch..
– Are you kidding me? You’re under arrest
If you stare at an ice-cube for long enough you can pretend you have laser-eyes.
doctor: *tearing from prescription pad* take two of these and come back next week
me: *chewing the paper* when do I get the second one
I cleared the leaves out of my flower bed because I practice good floral hygiene.
When my neighbor’s bed starts rhythmically hitting the wall, I like to drum back. Last night, we had a real jam session going.
I finally used all those stickers I collected over the years. Now everything in my house is an Apple product.
I told my 5yo we weren’t going to read an extra story at bedtime so in protest he took his pillow and a blanket and went to sleep in my laundry basket filled with clothes. I wish I was making this up.
I love putting on warm underwear fresh out of the dryer. I also love to look around the laundromat and guess who they belong to.
*Godzilla smashing Tokyo & eating people. After destroying an asylum he suddenly dies*
60s cop1: what happened
60s cop2: haha nut allergy
Well I guess it’s time to learn my kids’ names.
It’s not called “Laura the Explorer” because if a little white girl gets lost in the woods, CNN shows up with the FBI.
I’m sorry but divorce stories aren’t specific enough. If I sat through 3 slideshows of your wedding shoes I want details. How long did he let that saucepan “soak”.
Whenever someone is doing math in their head, I just squint and give a good thinking face, then agree with whatever answer they got.
“You’re a ten?”
“On the PH scale, Cuz you basic.”
Every woman’s deodorant is called Delicate Whisper and every man’s deodorant is called Beef Shazam!
A good man is hard to find, but a babysitter for Friday night is harder.
I created a new solvent that will dissolve ANYTHING in the world!
(Sigh)
I just don’t know what to keep it in….
A Scottish vampire aka a McMorbius
When I’m president, we are going to have WAY more velociraptors.
Working front desk at Motel 6 wasn’t paying the bills so I started dealing meth to the housekeepers. It was an Inn side job.
Mirror, mirror on the wall, was the dwarfs’ mother high when she named them all?
WIFE: our son has an A in Biology!
ME: *shoving another donut in my mouth* I wasn’t the one who taught him how to spell
I once had a girlfriend and then she got to know me.
Not to brag but my son’s friend said “Your dad looks hot” when I was cleaning the pool. She followed with “Is that heat stroke?” but still.
12yo daughter: *SCREAMS*
Me: WHAT?!12yo: A spider!
Me: It’s just a spider12yo: I don’t want it to bite me!
Me: You’ll never be a super hero w/that attitude
me: i have test anxiety
classmate: it’s okay, jesus has answers
jesus: *descending from sky* the first three are all D
Hello consequences, my actions went that way.
[spoiler alert] Chemistry for Dummies is not about improving your sex life.
Eight out of ten married people agree that on your wedding day it’s bad luck to say “i Do.”
wife: Don’t be an idiot
me: IT’S NOT A CHOICE, SARAH