@TheRolo

When I’m in a bathroom stall, please don’t yell “Oh my God oh my God there’s a guy in here!” Respect my privacy.

You Might Also Like

@MatCro

SON: How are monster trucks made?

ME: Son, when a monster and a truck love each oth-

GF: [glares]

ME: He’s old enough for the facts, Jane

@onascaleof1210

To the person crowding me in the checkout line, do you want a hug .. ’cause if you get any closer, I’m gonna assume you do and give you one.

@ThatMummyLife

Me: how are you feeling about all of this?

Husband: i dunno. i feel like the cold hand of death is upon me.

Me. *pulling back my dried, shriveled, over washed hands* oh, ya, ya. sounds like you’re a goner.

@andlikelaura

[being chased by a murderer]

Me: *stops running, bends down* find a penny pick it up all day long you’ll have good luck!

Murderer: *stabs me*

@coldlippdheresy

Told my boss the salary I want when I move to California.
Him: so you want the moon and all the stars too?
Me: and Saturn.

@Divergentmama

My daughter had a spider in her room but she lost it, and now she wants to move. I told her to stop being dramatic and she would probably just swallow it tonight so nbd

@MyNameIsArchaic

Canadians are only nice because we put all of our negativity in the geese and ship em off to Florida every year.

@BourbonLuv

That awkward moment when the guy who discovered milk had to explain what he was doing to the cow…

@ManicMouse

CW: what did you do to your hair today?

Me: It’s really unclear whether you think it’s good or you think I slept in a ditch.