When I’m in a bathroom stall, please don’t yell “Oh my God oh my God there’s a guy in here!” Respect my privacy.
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HER: I love Game Of Thrones
ME(trying to impress her): I slept with my sister
Remember, you can disappear into the woods whenever you want. You’re an adult.
Being a bigger account doesn’t make you a better person. We’re all terrible people. We’re on twitter. I threw a baby at a fox this morning.
I said hi to someone and a bug flew into my mouth. Lesson learned.
Oh my God. Where are you?
Car keys: LMFAO
A cemetery foreman discovers that his employees cremated a body he explicitly told them to bury.
“You’ve made a grave mistake!” He fumes.
Whenever I hear someone call my name, my first instinct is to walk faster
PROSECUTOR: you chipped a golf ball down a clowns throat
ME: i honestly thought that was part of the course
[How the rap feud started]
Me: can u invite all the rappers to my b’day party?
2pac: sure, no biggie
Biggie[eavesdropping]: [wipes tears]
It took 3 minutes to get my baby out via c-section and yet it takes me a solid 15 minutes to get a toy out of its packaging!?!?
Why am I easier to open than a toy?!?
[alternative timeline]
Art teacher: you’re expelled from art school
Hitler: [clenches fists]
Subway manager: [taps him on shoulder] what if I told you you can still be an artist
Oh thank god, you wouldn’t want your kid to ruin family booze night
Thought for the day:
Shouldn’t you really have more than one thought each day?
One of my biggest fears is going to America and asking for a biscuit only to be presented with some weird scone type thing and gravy
[someone stops being my friend]
ah that’s sad they must have died
shoutout to the girl on reddit who posted saying “my partner didn’t inform me he’s having unprotected sex with someone else” and then elaborated that the “someone else” is the guys wife, who he is married to
*thousands of puppies flooding onto the battlefield*
General: “STAY STRONG, MEN!”
*soldiers just petting puppies everywhere*
Me: What do you want for Christmas?
Him: You not telling me I did something wrong for a whole day.
Me: no. Think of something else.
After moving approximately 35 times in about as many years I’m here to tell you that you’ll keep the people who matter most. What you’ll miss are the restaurants.
*overeats sugar*
*gets diabetes*
*gets limbs amputated*
*can finally smile authentically in pics now that not worried what to do with hands*
If I cared about being judged by a stranger, I’d be religious.
CHRISTMAS INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Buy presents.
2) Pretend you could afford it
3) Pray the apocalypse arrives before your credit card bill does.
No thanks Facebook Live, if I wanted to see people doing stupid things in real time I’d just go visit my family.
I mean, I had to pay a gym membership so technically they’re not really free weights.
ME: these fireworks are so quiet
WIFE: those are palm trees
What if this “alert” was just Americans being called in from recess?
Enough of your nonsense, nap time.
So because my friend helped me move, now I’m expected to go help him move? How is that fair?
What they don’t tell you about marriage is that between year 5 and 15, your wife will record you snoring in the night, and then present it to you like it’s evidence in a murder trial.
Waiter: How is everything?
Me: This is a salad
Waiter: Yes
Me: I ordered spaghetti
Waiter: Yeah. We are really worried about you, dude
They banned trick or treating this year so I’ll just be sitting on my porch handing out bad advice to anyone who walks by.