When I’m in a conference room all by myself I like to pretend I’m having a very important meeting with chairs about chair shit.
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[Concert]
Triangle player: *proudly playing his triangle
[Octagon player struts on stage]
Triangle player: “What the-“
Let me make this abundantly clear
– window makers probably
I assume you left your plate on the counter right after I left the kitchen spotless because you were in a hurry TO FIND A NEW PLACE TO LIVE
I accidentally used dog shampoo this morning but I feel like such a good girl.
*shortly after the sinking of the Titanic*
Sebastian: Ariel, what is dis!?! You cannot have a dead human in your secret grotto!
Ariel: But I like him.
Sebastian: What would your father say!?!
Me: Am I the only one you’ve ever slept with?
Wife: Absolutely… the others were at least sevens and there was a TEN OMG!
I even pretend not to be home for a knock-knock joke
Me: Coke please
Server: Sorry we don’t have Coke. Is vodka ok?
Me: Why yes, yes it is
me: I’m gonna work from home today
co-pilot: wait
I told my son to go pick up the dog poop and he slowly looked at his dad, “I would if the lawn was mowed.” He got real brave with that.
Results are in: a lot of people took the “never change” yearbook inscription way too seriously.
[at fancy-dress party shouting over all the barking]
“YOU NEED TO LEAVE”
me dressed as a giant vacuum cleaner: “I DIDNT KNOW YOU HAD 6 DOGS”
I lost my camouflage wallet, so if you happen to see it, then it’s shitty camouflage and I don’t want it back
Me: Go to bed
4-year-old: But I have questions!
Me: You’re stalling
4: I need to know!
Me: What?
4: What if I meet a talking doughnut?
Top three perverts that see you when you’re sleeping:
1. Santa.
2. God.
3. NSA.
Received a DM from a dude who claimed that he knows me in real life.
I can’t guess out who he is, probably I have to kill my friends until I get him.
-Ho ho ho, what do you want for Christmas?
-I want a Kylo Ren lightsaber, a Thor hammer, a Star Trek phaser, a—
-I was asking the boy, sir.
As a kid I didn’t understand why all soldiers didn’t just carry bazookas, the most powerful weapon
Behind every successful woman is a Man who let her down.
At my age, “you shook me all night long” sounds like a complaint.
Hi guys, got a second date tonight, we’re going to the cinema. What’s the best flavour of soup to put in my thermos? Wanna get this just right
Me: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.
[Dies]
Grim Reaper: I’m going to need you to journey with me to the afterlife.
Me: Dammit
If goldfish crackers actually tasted like goldfish–
wait, I just realized I’ve never tasted a goldfish. What if the crackers are accurate?
Hey teachers, stop giving my kids homework that includes stuff for me to do. I HAVE ALREADY GRADUATED.
Sincerely, every parent everywhere.
Nothing tests the marriage bond like being stranded in an airport with kids.
every night i say to my husband, “go up without me, I have to take my vitamins” but I’m just eating cookie dough
Allowing your kids to cuss offers a great balance between
1. making profanity less cool for them
2. pissing your mother-in-law off
Watched my kid experience his first deep eye rub, like yeah, kid, get it. Do it til you see shapes.
Every time I get an eyelash in my eye, I’m reminded of how quickly I would die in the wild.
First rule of having a pet is to say everything twice. The second time in a sillier voice than the first.