When I’m in a room full of toddlers, I can’t help but scan it for potential serial killers
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You guys, this guy on Dateline says I shouldn’t make friends with people on the internet because they might not be who they say they are. Is this true?
There are two types of children: those that get up in the middle of the night, and those who get up way too early. And they’re siblings.
A psychiatrist is just a friend you pay to listen to your problems because your other friends are tired of hearing about them.
Nephew: What’s love?
Me: Well, all the women text you except the one you like. And it hurts, so we drink.
Sister: Get away from him!
[Morgue]
Cop: Sir, I know it’s tough but we need you to ID the bodyMe looking at corpse: *takes deep breath* Are—are you over 21?
Ouiji boards are a little less intimidating knowing they’re from Hasbro.
You’re like that person playing Pictionary who draws something terribly and just keeps circling it.
*gets neck cracked by Chiropractor*
Hey I didn’t know our necks turned like an Owls
Wait. They gave out a Pulitzer Prize for criticism, and my mother didn’t win it?
I finally got my first interview since moving to the US. Almost able to say something more romantic to the GF than “you’re out of batteries”
I’m giving my pregnant sister some helpful tips like how to help me lift this couch with her knees and not her back.
Everytime a suburban white kid throws up a gang sign, an angel misses brunch.
“dance like no one is watching, walk like someone is behind you trying to get around you.” – ancient nyc proverb
Someone said that my kid would probably grow up to be president, and I’m not sure if it was meant as a compliment or an insult.
*Googles Yahoo*
Google: Wow. I’m right here
I hate commas its not my job to tell you when you breathe work it out youre a grown adult
“Hi, its Mom, you may remember me from such hits as ‘Stop Licking That!’, ‘Why Am I Sticky?’, and ‘What Smells Like Pickles?’” -Future me leaving voicemails for my kids
Always practice yodeling, suddenly, in a packed elevator.
People obsessed with how much I bench need to #chill. It’s not like Coke publishes their recipe online for morrons to study.
Oh sure, straight women call their female friends their “girlfriends” all the time, but when I wanna play smash bros with the guys suddenly “inviting my boyfriends over to smash” is “inappropriate”???
Her: All day long I’ve had the strangest feeling that someone’s ….. watching me.
Me: Why, do you hear laughter?
I left my accordion in the car and forgot to lock it. By the time I got back, it was too late. There were four accordions in there
I think that as a reward for losing 200 lbs you should be able to use all of that loose skin to become a human version of a flying squirrel.
Show me your nuts.
Show me you’re nuts.See how important the “you’re” “your” thing is?
PRIEST: Does anyone know why these two should not be married?
ME: *from back* SHE PRONOUNCES IT ‘SUPPOSABLY’
*priest slowly backs away*
“Your colon will thank you”
Me: I don’t like it when my colon talks to me
Wife: for the last time buy a terrarium
Me: [drops 7 lizards into my shirt] why they already have a home
Yeah, but is it Tyrannosauri Rex or Tyrannosaurus Rexes?
*The Jehovahs Witness slams my own door in my face
Daylight Saving Time starts this evening, turn your clocks forward and change smoke alarm batteries before going to bed tonight.
Intelligence is the new cleavage