Marriage Counsellor: last week I asked you to come up with 3 things you love about each other.
Me: I need an extension.
When I’m in an elevator with a stranger I generally hold their hand to let them know that they’re safe
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5-year-old: What are Nazis?
Me: Bad people who we killed a long, long time ago
5: Why were they bad?
Me: They kept correcting our grammar
God: you’re very small.
God: but really strong.
Ant: how strong?
God: you can-
Ant: can I lift a piano?
Ant: can I lift a car?
Ant: can I lift a-
God: you can lift a leaf.
Ant: [visibly upset] but everyone can do that.
Me [don’t let her know you’re married]
I have a wif..i hotspot on my phone.
Her: oh that’s cool.
Me: yeah my wife got it for me.
[special ops briefing]
Leader: We’re going in deep & hard in the middle of the night
Me: I bet you say that to all the boys
L: Get out
Open casket funeral? Remains to be seen.
My daughter returned from a birthday party without bringing me cake. She said they didn’t even have cake. They had cupcakes. And they were the mini ones. And they got one each.
This is not a birthday party, it’s a horror movie.
The package says “Do not eat raw cookie dough” but all I really see is “Pillsbury hates you and doesn’t want you to be happy.”
[helping my only child do homework]
5: can you help?
Me: I’m awful with numbers
God: You get all the animals in?
Noah: Yeah except for the chameleons, they creep me out
*The walls turn red and start hissing*
Noah: Oh no