When I’m in an elevator with a stranger I generally hold their hand to let them know that they’re safe
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if you text me “we need to talk” i’m gonna reply “yes we do” now we both stressed
The Internet is like my My Brain – filled with shopping and porn
[floor creaks inside mansion]
Robber 1: shhhhhh…
Robber 2: …
[Fitbit buzzes]
Me: HEY GUYS I JUST GOT MY STEP GOAL
We went to the planetarium today and when the voiceover said “this is the earth” one of the kids booed
His Holiness the Dalai Lama invited you to play Candy Crush.
i’ve always wanted to be a whistleblower but unfortunately i don’t know anything
100% of all marriages end with an ‘s’
[Me at job interview]
And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?
My cat and I made a best friend pact tonight. If I die first, he won’t eat my body. Or if he dies first, I won’t use his skull as a cup.
Husband: Do you like it hard or soft?
Wife: You know I like it hard-parents passing taco shells on a wild Tuesday night
If you love someone, let them sleep.
train me.
no.
train me.
okay.
training montage.
the big fight.
i’m glad you trained me.
i’m glad i trained you.
#everyboxingmovie
I’ve got 99 problems, which really bothers me since I’ve also got OCD and I prefer even numbers.
I hate when I’m in line for the bathroom and someone asks if I’m in line, like I look like a dude who just waits outside of bathrooms.
Where there’s a pill, there’s a yay.
“Notice the way he uses colors.”
“How??”
‘I dunno, maybe just use that image of the girl who’s about to murder her dad’
A fake ID that makes you younger
if you ever have baby fever just hang out with a toddler for a little bit?? this kid in the bagel shop just stared at me for a full minute and then announced to the entire room “I don’t LIKE HER HAIR” parents very apologetic but i’ve made an enemy for life
Wanna know what 1000 marbles spilling on a tile floor sounds like?
Have kids.
[adopting dog]
VOLUNTEER: we need your life history to make sure this animal is safe[leaving hospital with baby]
DOCTOR: don’t let him die
GENE SIMMONS: What is it about me that makes people think I’m gross?
“Hygiene”
SIMMONS: Hi. Now answer my question.
Me pre-milkshake: Oohh! I’m gonna have a milkshake!
Me post-milkshake: I feel like hell and wish I were dead.
If Kim delivered food is she a Doordashian?
can’t stop thinking about people that first ate mushrooms they found and just had to go through trial and error of like, this one tastes like beef, this one killed Brian immediately and this one makes you see God for a week
If you give a man a PS4, he will play for a day.
If that man buys the PS4 he will not shower for 2 months.
My credit score is me crying in the rain and fighting with a family of raccoons for territory.
LOL at people with only 99 problems
What’s that like?
My biggest regret to date is probably never telling Kary C, Kerri B, Cari R and Kerry L from 4th grade that their names were spelled wrong..
“babe, lauren. you always act like this when you do gin shots. you’re causing a scene”